Rough Scan
LEGAL AND OTHER LYRICS





THE ANNUITY

AIR - "_Duncan Davidson_."

I GAED to spend a week in Fife-
=An unco week it proved to me-
For there I met a waesome wife
=Lamentin' her viduity.
Her grief brak out sae fierce and fell,
I thought her heart wad burst its shell,
And - I was sae left to mysel'-
=I sell't her an annuity.

The bargain lookit fair eneugh-
=She just was turned o' saxty-three;
I couldna guessed she'd prove sae teugh,
=By human ingenuity.
But years hae come, and years hae gane,
And there she's yet as stieve's a stane-
The limmer's growin' young again,
=Since she got her annuity.

She's crined awa' to bane an' skin,
=But that it seems is nought to me;
She's like to live-although she's in
=The last stage o' tenuity.
She munches wi' her wizened gums,
An' stumps about on legs o' thrums,
But comes - as sure as Christmas comes-
=To ca' for her annuity.

She jokes her joke, an' cracks her crack,
=As spunkie as a growin' flea-
An' there she sits upon my back,
=A livin' perpetuity.
She hurkies by her ingle-side,
An' toasts an' tans her wrunkled hide-
Gude kens how lang she yet may bide
=To ca' for her annuity!

I read the tables drawn wi' care
=For an Insurance Company;
Her chance o' life was stated there,
=Wi' perfect perspicuity.
But tables here or tables there,
She's lived ten years ayont her share,
An's like to live a dizzen mair,
=To ca' for her annuity.

I gat the loon that drew the deed-
=We spelled it o'er right carefully;-
In vain he yerked his souple head,
=To find an ambiguity:
It's dated-tested-a' complete-
The proper stamp - nae words delete-
And diligence, as on decreet,
=May pass for her annuity.

Last Yule she had a fearfu' hoast-
=I thought a kink might set me free:
I led her out, 'mang snaw and frost,
=Wi' constant assiduity.
But Deil ma' care-the blast gaed by,
And missed the auld anatomy;
It just cost me a tooth, forbye
=Discharging her annuity.

I thought that grief might gar her quit-
=Her only son was lost at sea-
But aff her wits behuved to flit,
=An' leave her in fatuity!
She threeps, an' threeps, he's livin' yet,
For a' the tellin' she can get;
But catch the doited runt forget
=To ca' for her annuity!

If there's a sough o' cholera
=Or typhus-wha sae gleg as she?
She buys up baths, an' drugs, an' a',
=In siccan superfluity!
She disna need-she's fever proof-
The pest gaed o'er her very roof;
She tauld me sae-an' then her loof
=Held out for her annuity.

Ae day she fell-her arm she brak,-
=A compound fracture as could be;
Nae Leech the cure wad undertak,
=Whate'er was the gratuity.
It's cured! - She handles't like a flail-
It does as weel in bits as hale;
But I'm a broken man mysel'
=Wi' her and her annuity.

Her broozled flesh, and broken banes,
=Are weel as flesh an' banes can be.
She beats the taeds that live in stanes,
=An' fatten in vacuity!
They die when they're exposed to air-
They cauna thole the atmosphere;
But her! - expose her onywhere-
=She lives for her annuity.

If mortal means could nick her thread,
=Sma' crime it wad appear to me;
Ca't murder-or ca't homicide-
=I'd justify't, - an' do it tae.
But how to fell a withered wife
That's carved out o' the tree o' life-
The timmer limmer daurs the knife
=To settle her annuity.

I'd try a shot. - But whar's the mark?-
=Her vital parts are hid frae me;
Her backbane wanders through her sark
=In an unkenn'd corkscrewity.
She's palsified-an' shakes her head
Sae fast about, ye scarce can see't;
It's past the power o' steel or lead
=To settle her annuity.

She might be drowned; - but go she'll not
=Within a mile o' loch or sea;-
Or hanged - if cord could grip a throat
=O' siccan exiguity.
It's fitter far to hang the rope-
It draws out like a telescope;
'Twad tak a dreadfu' length o' drop
=To settle her annuity.

Could pushion do't? - It has been tried;
=But, be't in hash or fricassee,
That's just the dash she can't abide,
=Whatever kind o' _gout_ it hae.
It's needless to assail her doubts,-
She gangs by instinct-like the brutes-
An' only eats an' drinks what suits
=Hersel' an' her annuity.

The Bible says the ages o' man
=Threescore an' ten perchance may be;
She's ninety-four; - let them wha can
=Explain the incongruity.
She should hae lived afore the Flood-
She's come o' Patriarchal blood-
She's some auld Pagan, mummified
=Alive for her annuity.

She's been embalmed inside and out-
=She's sauted to the last degree-
There's pickle in her very snout
=Sae caper-like an' cruetty;
Lot's wife was fresh compared to her;
They've kyanised the useless knir-
She canna decompose - nae mair
=Than her accursed annuity.

The water-drap wears out the rock
=As this eternal jaud wears me;
I could withstand the single shock,
=But no the continuity.
It's pay me here-an' pay me there-
An' pay me, pay me, evermair;
I'll gang demented wi' despair-
=I'm _charged_ for her annuity!





WISHES

(OF A MISANTHROPE).

AIR - "_O doubt me not_" (_Moore's Melodies_).

===I WISH I was a _Woman!_
Wi' nought to do but dance an' dress,
===An' think mysel' sae bloomin',
An' kaim my hair afore the glass;
===To greet when my feet
Werena just sae sma' as I wad like,
===An' ne'er feel a care
Though the cobbler should nae discount strike:-
=I'd spend my days in wearin' claes,
==An' my gudeman should pay the bill;
=An' if he raised an unco fraise,
==I'd greet an' say I wasna weel!

===I wish I was a _Hero!_
To spend my life in fire an' din,
===An' murder like King Nero,
An' never think it was a sin:
===I'd soon tak a toon,
An' wi' the spoil I wad mak free,
===An' style it in a bulletin
A great an' glorious victory!
=I'd write how brave my men behaved,
==An' how the field was won by me;
=An' to my king and country leave
==To say what my reward should be.

===I wish I was a _Lawyer!_
To ken what conscience ought to be,
===An' no remember a' year
My friends reduced to poverty;
===To be glad instead o' sad
When mithers weep, an' sons look pale,
===An' say grace o'er a case,
As honest men do o'er their kail.
="Go to the court o' last resort
==For the sake o' your poor family."
="The Lords sustain!"  My client's gane-
==He's ruined-but I've got my fee!

===I wish I was a _Brute Beast!_
To live in some sequestered vale,
===Frae friends and loves remote placed,
An' ne'er see man, an' wag my tail!
===To chow on a knowe
A' the herbs, an' flowers, an' grassy blades,
===An' tread ower the head
O' gowans never touched wi' spades:
=I'd never see a friendly face,
==Sae nae friend wad prove fause to me;
=I'd never ken the human race,
==Nor ever curse humanity!

===I wish was a _Bottle!_
O' brandy, rum, or what you please,
===In some frequented hotel,
Where gude souls tak their bread an' cheese;
===To fill out a gill
For some puir chield that wants a trade-
===Or pass o'er the hass
O' some blythe rantin', roarin' blade;
=An' while unscrewed, I'd sit an' brood,
==An' think mysel' weel blessed to ken
=That when I dee'd I'd spend my bluid
==To purchase joy for honest men!





THE FACULTY ROLL.

IN regard to this and the other lyrics which may he classed as "Legal," it may be interesting to nonprofessional readers to know something of the gentlemen of the Scottish Bar who are referred to, and to have explanations of the technical terms which occur.  These are given in the notes appended.
The Faculty of Advocates is a very ancient body, not formally incorporated, but having most of the qualities and privileges of a corporation.  Its members have the right of pleading causes in the Court of Session and High Court of Justiciary, and the other Scottish Courts, and they have, generally, the same position and duties as Barristers have in the Supreme Courts of England.  The Faculty is presided over by a Dean and a Vice-Dean, the offices of both being honorary.  Its members form an important branch of the Scottish "College of Justice," which was instituted in May 1532, in the reign of King James V.  The Judges of the Court of Session, which was established in the same year, are members of the College, having the title of "Senators"; and the members of the incorporation of Writers to the Signet, and of the Solicitors before the Supreme Courts, who act as Agents in the conduct of causes, are also members.
The Faculty has a noble library.  It contains about 300,000 volumes, comprehending books in every department, and is enriched by many rare ancient MSS., and fine specimens of early printing on vellum-many of both exquisitely illuminated in colours as brilliant as when they left the hands of the artist.
The Faculty also administer a charitable institution.
The late Mr George Chalmers, a citizen of Edinburgh, who died in 1836, bequeathed the residue of his estate, amounting to a large sum, to "the Honourable the Dean and Faculty of Advocates," for the purpose of founding and maintaining a "hospital for sick and hurt."  The fund was invested by the Faculty, and allowed to accumulate for some years, and by prudent investments it was largely augmented.  Ultimately the house and grounds of Lauriston, adjacent to the Western Meadows, were purchased, and a handsome and commodious hospital, containing free wards for male and female patients, and a few wards in which, in addition to free medical attendance, home comforts may be afforded to patients able and willing to pay a very moderate board, was erected, and opened in 1864.
The beneficence of Mr Chalmers is appropriately commemorated by the names of "Chalmers Hospital" and "Chalmers Street," given to the hospital and dwelling-houses erected on part of the ground.
"The Faculty Roll," which follows, contains the names of a considerable number of the Advocates who were in practice in the years between 1830 and 1834, when Mr Outram was himself a member, and about which date he poem appears to have been written.  The Faculty then consisted of nearly 400 members, of whom a comparatively small number are mentioned in the Roll.  Very few of those mentioned now survive, and of course the "Roll" does not include any of the eminent men who have since been ornaments of the Bar, and ultimately of the Scottish Bench.

THE FACULTY ROLL

AIR - "_Ye Mariners of England_."

YE Barristers of England,
=Your triumphs idle are,
Till ye can match the names that ring
=Round Caledonia's Bar.
Your _John Doe_, and your _Richard Roe_,
=Are but a paltry pair:
Look at those who compose
=The flocks round Brodie's Stair;
Who ruminate on Shaw and Tait,
=And flock round Brodie's Stair.

Although our _Brough'm_ you've stolen,
=To brush your Chancery-
He may be spared-our hoary _Baird_
=Can sweep as clean as he;
And though you've got some kindly _Scotts,_
=To breathe your southland air,
We've the rest, and the best,
=To stand by Brodie's Stair-
To garrison old Morison,
=To stand by Brodie's Stair.

We'll still stand by our colours-
=Our _Brown, Reid, White,_ and _Gray;_
We'll still extol our Northern Lights-
=You've seen their distant _Rae._
We still can boast of glorious names,
=Who love their country's fare,
And ne'er roam from their _Home,_
=But study Brodie's Stair-
The pages con of Morison,
=And study Brodie's Stair.

Should enemies e'er venture
=To threaten us with war,
We'll rouse broad Scotland to oar aid,
=From _Dingwall_ to _Dunbar_.
The _Lothians, Ross,_ and _Sutherland_
=The powers of hell would dare
To the field, ere they'd yield
=One step of Brodie's Stair-
One, foot of Erskine's Institute,
=One step of Brodie's Stair.

The insolent invaders
=Should never move _Shank More;_
Our _Marshall's Steele_, the knaves should feel,
=Within their bosom's core.
Have at them with a plump of _Spiers,_
=And if that shock they bear,
Let the thieves meet our _Neaves,_
=Ere they tread on Brodie's Stair-
Ere their foot pollute the Institute
=Of Erskine or of Stair.

We've some things worth defending,
=And that our foes shall see;
Though ours is not a land of gold,
='Tis the land of _Ivory_-
And hearts behind our _Greenshields_ beat,
=Than Ophir's stores more rare-
Ready still, come who will,
=To fight for Brodie's Stair-
Resolved each Section to defend,
=Of Erskine or of Stair.

Our _Hall_ is all surrounded
=By _Forrest, Loch,_ and _Shaw_-
A _Park,_ such as you never trod,
=A _Hill_ you never saw.
We rest among the summer _Hay,_
=Beside the Gowan fair,
With a _Rose_ at our nose
=While we think on Brodie's Stair,
Or ponder on old Morrison,
=Or think of Brodie's Stair.

We gather _Wood_ and _Burnett_,
=When bleak December blows,
We're snug within, although without
=The _Wilde_ is _White_ with snows.
Our _Taylor_, and our _Hozier_,
=Defy the wintry air-
And the while to beguile,
=We run through Brodie's Stair-
With Thomson's Acts, through Lord Kames' Tracts,
=And Fountainhall, and Stair.

We've three _Milnes_, and six _Millers_,
=Although no meal we make;
We've two _Weirs_, and a _Lister_ large,
=Although no fish we take;
A _Horsman_ too, without a horse-
=A _Hunter_, but no hare-
Yet our _Horn_ wakes the morn,
=With a note from Brodie's Stair,
While echoes court the full report
=Of Morrison or Stair.

Our table's poorly furnished-
=Our _Cook_ has little toil-
Sometimes a fowl to _Currie_,
=Sometimes a joint to _Boyle;_
But still _Cheape's_ head and _Trotters_ is
=The dish beyond compare-
To suggest Shaw's Digest,
=And the sweets of Brodie's Stair-
To give a zest to Shaw's Digest,
=And the sweets of Brodie's Stair.

For wisdom, where's the mortal
=Who claims to be our peer,
When Solomon was David's son,
=And _Davidson_ is here?
But for religion! - _Clerks_, alas!
=And _Bells) we have to spare-
But of faith, not a breath
=Is heard near Brodie's Stair;
Our most devout have Dirleton's Doubts,
=As well as Brodie's Stair.

When politicians wrangle,
=We shun the idle brawl;
We've but one _Torrie_ in our ranks,
=And ne'er a Wing at all.
The schoolmuster abroad may roam-
=For him we do not care,
Because we've the _Tawse_,
=And the rules of Brodie's Stair-
The lessons suge of Erskine's page,
=And the rules of Brodie's Stair.

And still as merry Christmas
=Concludes our peaceful year,
Our _Pyper_ lends his minstrelsy,
=Our bounding hearts to cheer.
Poor as we are, for his reward,
=A _Penney_ we can spare,
Though we've got but one _Groat_,
=And some notes in Brodie's Stair-
Some doubtful bills in Dallas' Styles,
=And some notes in Brodie's Stair.

Our live-stock's scarce; we have but
=A solitary _Hog;_
One _L'Amy_ on his _Trotters_ stumps,
=Secure from _Wolf_ or dog.
But still whene'er he wanders forth
=We dread a _Tod_ is there,
On the watch for a catch
=Should he slip from Brodie's Stair,
Or seek his food in Spottiswood,
=Or slip from Brodie's Stair.

But, Barristers of England,
=Come to us lovingly,
And any Scot who greets you not
=We'll send to Coventry.
Put past your brief, embark for Leith,
=And when you're landed there
Any wight with delight
=Will point out Brodie's Stair;
Or lead you all through Fountainhall,
=Till you enter Brodie's Stair.





THE MULTIPLEPOINDING.

THE "process" or suit which bears this name is one peculiar to the law of Scotland.  It may be resorted to in various circumstances, the most usual one being the case of several different parties claiming, on various grounds, the same fund.  The claimants may stand in different positions.  One may hold an assignment of the fund, which may or may not have been validly completed.  Others may have made attachments of the fund, by a process which is known in Scotch law as "arrestment," by which money or movable or personal property is attached.  Difficult questions frequently arise as to which of the claimants may have the preferable or best right to the fund, and for the solution of these a multiplepoinding is the appropriate suit.
In the case of a deceased party, who may have disposed of his estate by a deed of settlement in favour of trustees, questions frequently arise as to the interpretation, or the effect, of the provisions of the deed, and in such cases his trustees may institute a multiplepoinding for the purpose of having the construction or the effect of the deed settled, and the estate divided, under judicial sanction.  In this suit, all parties claiming interest in the fund or estate, are cited into Court to maintain their respective claims.  The person by whom the suit is instituted is technically called "the raiser," and the parties cited are termed "the claimants."  The person to whom the fund belongs is also cited as a party for his interest, to see that the fund is properly disposed of.  He is technically called the "common debtor."  The judgment of the Court determines which parties have the best right, and ordains the fund to be paid to them; and, on payment of the fund or estate, which is technically called the "fund in _medio_," in accordance with the judgment of the Court, the "raiser" is judicially discharged or exonerated.
A great variety of questions may arise for discussion under the competing claims of "the claimants," and a multiplepoinding may thus include many different forms or kinds of suits, such as an action or suit of "declarator," under which a person seeks to have any special right judicially declared or established; or a suit of "reduction," under which a person seeks to have a deed or obligation set aside; or a suit of "suspension," under which a party seeks to have execution suspended or superseded.  Hence a multiplepoinding is said in the song to- 

="Combine _every comfort_ that litigants know."

When the suit comes on for discussion before the Judge, the name by which it is known - usually the name of the pursuer or plaintiff, and of the defendants or one of them - and the names of the different counsel engaged in it, are called out by the "macer" or mace-bearer in attendance at the bar of the Judge.  In former days the names were called by the macer in a loud voice, and some old practitioners may yet remember one red-faced and pot-bellied little macer, who used to call the names in a loud singing tone, which resounded through the whole large Hall - a usual combination being,

="Maist-er _Fran_-cis Jeff-rey-
=Maist-er _Hen_-ry _Co_-bran."

If the claimants are numerous, a number of counsel may be engaged, and in the song a considerable number are so represented.





The Multiplepoinding

AIR - "_O the Roast-Beef of Old England!_"

HURRAH for the Multiplepoinding! hurrah!
What land but our own such a gem ever saw?
Tis Process of Processes - Pride of the law -
=Hurrah for the Multiplepoinding!
=The Multiplepoinding, hurrah!

To the rich, to the poor, to the high, to the low,
'Tis open to all who a title can show-
It combines every comfort that litigants know-
=Hurrah for the Multiplepoinding!
=The Multiplepoinding, hurrah!

No matter in what shape your claim may emerge,
By Petition or Summors, Suspension or Charge,
Reduction, Declarator, all may converge
=And corjoin in the Multiplepoinding-
=The Multiplepoinding, hurrah!

From the north, from the south, from the east, from the west,
Come claimants, each deeming his own claim the best,-
What myriads of lawyers are then in request
=To manage the Multiplepoinding!
=The Multiplepoinding, hurrah!

Hark! hark! what the deuce is that Macer about?
What means his prolonged, diabolical shout?
Does the man mear to call the whole Faculty out?
=Hurrah ! 'tis the Multiplepoinding-
=The Multiplepoinding, hurrah!

See! see! how the lawyers all start at the sound!
See! see! how the agents from place to place bound!
See! see! how their clerks flash Like lightning around!
=Hurrah! 'tis the Multiplepoinding-
=The Multiplepoinding, hurrah!

They rush to the Bar like the waves of the sea-
They swarm like a hive or the brarch of a tree-
They'll smother the Judge - he is not a Queer Bee-
=Hurrah for the Multiplepoinding!
=The Multiplepoinding, hurrah!

But the storm is composed, ard there's silence at last-
The lawyers look grave, and the Judge looks aghast,
And the short-hand Reporter prepares to write fast
=His notes of the Multiplepoinding-
=The Multiplepoinding, hurrah!

There the Dean stands profourd as the depths of the sea;
And Snaigow - as smooth as its surface could be;
And Rutherfurd - sharp as the rocks on the lee;
=All fee'd for the Multiplepoinding-
=The Multiplepoinding, hurrah!

And there stands M'Neill, "with his nostril all wide,"
And Ivory's eyes glisten fierce by his side;
And Cunninghame's there with his papers untied,
=And dreams of the Multiplepoinding-
=The Multiplepoinding, hurrah!

And More and Buchanan have come at the call,
And Marshall, and Pyper, and Whigham and =all-
And Peter the Great looks to Adam the Tall
=To open the Multiplepoinding-
=The Multiplepoinding, hurrah!

'Twas Janet M'Grugar, ship-chandler, Dundee,
Became moribund in the year twenty-three,
And disponed her estates all to Nathan M'Ghee,
=Who claims in the Multiplepoinding-
=The Multiplepoinding, hurrah!

That she had not disponed in _liege poustie_ was plain,
For she ne'er went to kirk or to market again-
So maintains her apparent heir, Donald M'Bean,
=Who claims in the Multiplepoinding-
=The Multiplepoinding, hurrah!

Now Donald M'Bean was in debt to the knee,
And so, it appeared, too, was Nathan M'Ghee,
And Janet herself had by no means been free,
=And so cam' the Multiplepoinding-
=The Multiplepoinding, hurrah!

And what with arrestments, where'er funds could be,
And charges on bill and extracted decree,
And hornings and captions-you'll easily see
='Twas a beautiful Multiplepoinding-
=The Multiplepoinding, hurrah!

But where are the claimants, and how have they sped?
See yon shrivelled matron, as hueless as lead,-
'Tis a liferent she claims - and she's on her death-bed!
=Hurrah for the Multiplepoinding!
=The Multiplepoinding, hurrah!

Her deep indignation she cannot repress,
Though her tongue is scarce able her griefs to express-
She swears 'tis an action of "double distress."
=Hurrah for the Multiplepoinding!
=The Multiplepoinding, hurrah!

The landlord claimed rent - and he'll best tell you how
He got into the process by poinding a cow;
His hypothec is quite hypothetical now-
=Hurrah for the Multiplepoinding!
=The Multiplepoinding, hurrah!

The Suspender was bothered to such a degree
That he went and suspended himself from a tree;
The Arrester's in jail-no forthcoming can he
=Obtain through the Multiplepoinding-
=The Multiplepoinding, hurrah!

One brought a Reduction-but he has retired,
Reduced to extremes his worst foe ne'er desired.
The Adjudger-as well as the Legal's expired.
=Hurrah for the Multiplepoinding!
=The Multiplepoinding, hurrah!

No more will the poor Heir-Apparent appear-
By way of a seisin they've seized all his gear;
He's absconded-and now his Retour, it is clear,
=Can't be hoped through the Multiplepoinding-
=The Multiplepoinding, hurrah!

"_In medio tutissimus_!" - this might be true
When Phoebus instructed, and Phaėton flew;
But the fund, though _in medio_, has gone to pot too-
=Hurrah for the Multiplepoinding!
=The Multiplepoinding, hurrah!

The Creditor's credit is utterly gone-
And he, whom they call Common Debtor, alone
Has uncommon good luck-he's got off with his own!
=Hurrah for the Muitiplepoinding!
=The Multiplepoinding, hurrah!





SOUMIN AN' ROUMIN.

THE extract from 'Stair's Decisions' prefixed to the song, does not do much to elucidate its uncouth and unintelligible title, and was doubtless intended, not to elucidate, but to add to the perplexity.
The action or suit, which is unknown in modern times, was one which might be instituted by any proprietor of lands adjacent to a commonty in which he and other proprietors had a common or joint right, for the purpose of ascertaining and fixing what extent of pasturage or other right each proprietor was entitled to exercise in the commonty.  The old lady in question had been advised to resort to it, in order to ascertain how many sheep or cattle she was entitled to put upon the commonty for pasturage.  "Soums" and "roums" are old Scotch terms in land rights, and give the suit its peculiar name.

SOUMIN AN' ROUMIN

MY Grannie! - she was a worthy auld woman;
She keepit three geese an' a cow on a common.
Puir body! - she sune made her fu' purse a toom ane,
By raising a Process o' Soumin an' Roumin,
=Soumin an' Roumin-
=By raising a Process o' Soumin an' Roumin.

A young writer lad put it into her head;
He gied himsel' out for a dab at the trade-
For guidin' a plea, or a proof, quite uncommon
And a terrible fellow at Soumin an' Roumin,
=Soumin an' Roumin, &c.

He took her three geese to get it begun,
And he needit her cow to carry it on,
Syne she gied him her band for the cost that was comin',
And on went the Process o' Soumin an' Roumin,
=Soumin an' Roumin, &c.

My Grannie she grieved, and my Grannie she graned,
As she paid awa' ilk honest groat she had hained;
She sat in her elbow-chair, glow'rin' and gloomin'-
Speakin' o' naething but Soumin an' Roumin,
=Soumin an' Roumin, &c.

She caredna for meat, and she caredna for drink-
By night or by day she could ne'er sleep a wink;
"O Lord, pity me, for a wicked auld woman!
It's a sair dispensation this Soumin an' Roumin."
=Soumin an' Roumin, &c.

In vain did the writer lad promise success-
Speak of Interim Decrees, and final redress;
In vain did he tell her that judgment was comin'-
"It's a judgment already this Soumin an' Roumin!"
=Soumin an' Roumin, &c.

The Doctor was sent for-but what could he say;
He allowed the complaint to be out o' his way;
The Priest spak' o' Job-said to suffer was human-
But she said "Job kent naething o' Soumin an' Roumin."
=Soumin an' Roumin, &c.

The Priest tried to read, and the Priest tried to pray,
But she wadna attend to ae word that he'd say;
She made a bad end for sae guid an auld woman-
Her death-rattle sounded like "Soumin an' Roumin,"
=Soumin an' Roumin, &c.

I'm Executor - heir-male - o' line - an' provision,-
An' the writer lad says that he'll manage the seisin;
But of a' the Estate, there's naething forthcomin',
But a guid-gangin' Process o' Soumin an' Roumin,
=Soumin an' Roumin, &c.





THE OLD TRUE BLUE

AN HISTORICAL BALLAD.

AIR - "_Captain Glen_."

COME, Buff and Blue chaps, here's my claw,
=You're good souls in your way;
But ere you compare your Man of Law
To old Admiral Milne, belay your jaw,
=And hear what I've to say,
====Brave boys!
=And hear what I've to say.

'Tis forty years and more this day
=(Short time it seems to me!)
Off Guadaloupe our frigate lay,
The Frenchman skulked in Mahout Bay,
=Beneath the battery,
====Brave Boys!
=Beneath the battery.

We cruised about from place to place,
=And swept the ocean free;
At last, ashamed of the disgrace,
Mounseer put on his fighting face,
=And ventured out to sea,
====Brave Boys!
=And ventured out to sea.

He trusted to his metal's weight,
=And to his crowded crew;
We cheered him as he hove in sight,
For though our numbers were not great,
=Our men were all true blue,
====Brave boys!
=Our men were all true blue.

We fought him on that glorious day,
=While we could man a gun;
Each mast and spar was shot away,
But though a shattered hulk we lay,
=Our colours ne'er went down,
====Brave boys
=Our colours ne'er went down.

We fought him on that glorious day,
=Till our decks were drenched in gore;
But hot and hotter grew the fray,
Till at length the Frenchman's heart gave way,
=And he doused the tricolor,
====Brave boys!
=And he doused the tricolor.

We lay like logs upon the tide,
=Not a boat or oar had we;
I stood by our youthful leader's side-
"Come, follow me, my lads!" he cried,
=And plunged into the sea,
====Brave boys!
=And plunged into the sea.

He swam aboard of the noble wreck,
=We followed with a will:
I stood at his side on the Frenchman's deck-
I stood by him then, and, come what like,
=I'll stand by Admiral Milne,
====Brave boys!
I'll stand by Admiral Milne.

I've seen his glory grow since then,
=With his increasing years;
His faithful shipmate still I've been,
Till a splinter cost me my larboard fin
=At the taking of Algiers,
====Brave boys!
=At the taking of Algiers.

I'll stand by him now as then I stood,
=And I'll trust him now, because
It's like he'll Labour to do us good,
Who never scrupled to spill his blood
=In aid of his country's cause,
====Brave boys!
=In aid of his country's cause.

As for that bumboat lawyer' craft
=That you have got in tow,
A seaman would rather trust to a raft
Than a hulk that looms so large abaft,
=If a gale should come to blow,
====Brave boys!
=If a gale should come to blow.

Belike with speeches fair he'll try
=To _gammon_ me and you:
Come! off, ye swab! if you wish to shy;
But here stands one that would rather die
=Than shrink from the Old True Blue,
====My boys!
=Than shrink from the Old True Blue,





THE SAUMON

AIR - "_The Angel's Whisper_."

=BY Tweedside a-standin',
=Wi' lang rods our hands in,
In great hopes o' landin' a Saumon were we;
=I took up my station,
=Wi' much exultation,
While Morton fell a-fishin' farther doun upon the lea.

=Across the stream flowin'
=My line I fell a-throwin',
Wi' a sou'-'wester blowin' right into my ee;
=I jumpt when my hook on
=I felt something pookin';
But upon farther lookin' it proved to be a tree.

=But deep, deep the stream in,
=I saw his sides a-gleamin',
The king o' the Saumon, sae pleasantly lay he;
=I thought he was sleepin',
=But on further peepin',
I saw by his teeth he was lauchin' at me.

=The flask frae my pocket
=I poured into the socket,
For I was provokit unto the last degree;
=And to my way o' thinkin',
=There's naething for't but drinkin',
When a Saumon lies winkin' and lauchin' at me.

=There's a bend in the Tweed, ere
=It mingles with the Leader-
If you go you will see there a wide o'erspreadin' tree;
=That's a part o' the river
=That I'll revisit never-
'Twas there that scaly buffer lay lauchin' at me.





THE PROCESS OF AUGMENTATION.

SOON after the Reformation, the Judges of the Court of Session were appointed commissioners, with jurisdiction as a Court, in questions of teinds or tithes.  A certain portion of the teinds had by the Scottish Parliament been set apart in each parish as the stipend of the clergyman holding the charge-the remainder of the teinds remaining in possession of the different heritors or proprietors of the lands from which teind is legally exigible, or of the Crown, or a donee of the Crown called "the Titular," as in right of the estates of the Romish Church.  When a clergyman considers his stipend too small, he may institute a suit in the Court of Teinds for having it increased; and the amount of stipend which may be fixed in that suit, remains as the stipend for a period of twenty years; after which, if circumstances warrant it, a further increase may be sought from the Court of Teinds.
The stipend is paid by the heritors or proprietors of lands in the proportions fixed by the Court in what is termed a "scheme of locality."  The suit is termed one of "augmentation, modification, and locality," and the heritors or proprietors in the parish and the Crown or Titular are cited as defendants in it, as they hold the teinds subject to payment of the stipend, and to any augmentations of it which the Teind Court may from time to time see cause to grant.



The Process of Augmentation

_The Minister States his Case to a Tune of his own Composing_.

WHOEVER shall oppose my claim for augmentation,
=I'll hold amongst my foes-
=Whoever shall oppose;
I'll deem him one of those who seek their own damnation,
Whoever shall oppose my claim for augmentation.

Though some may hold their lands _cum decimis inclusis,_
=Secure from my demands-
=Though some may hold their lands;
Enough's in other's hands, who have no such excuses-
Though some may hold their lands _cum decimis inclusis_.

'Tis fully twenty years since my stipend was augmented,-
=A time of want and fears!
='Tis fully twenty years;
In silence and in tears my griefs I have lamented;
'Tis fully twenty years since my stipend was augmented.

'Tis partly paid in Bear, and partly paid in Barley;
=Though few such crops now rear,
='Tis partly paid in Bear;
Though Wheat and Oats elsewhere are now grown regularly,
'Tis partly paid in Bear, and partly paid in Barley.

My glebe is small and poor, and my parish is prodigious.
=How long shall I endure!
=My glebe is small and poor.
No error, I am sure, was ever more egregious.
My glebe is small and poor, and my parish is prodigious.

I have no means but those.  A small mortification
=Just keeps my wife in clothes.
=I have no means but those.
If I might be jocose, I'd say on this occasion
I have no means but those-a _great_ mortification.

Then whoever shall oppose my claim for augmentation,
=I'll hold amongst my foes-
=Whoever shall oppose;
I'll deem him one of those who seek their own damnation,
Whoever shall oppose my claim for augmentation.





_The Heritors Defend themselves to the Tune of "Judy Callaghan_."

FIRST HERITOR.

And hang me if I don't
=Oppose your augmentation!
My Lords, you surely won't
=Condemn me to starvation.
I couldn't give a rap
=To purchase immortality,
More than that fat old chap
=Draws under the last locality.

_Chorus of Heritors_ - Uh! uh! uh!
=Nae wonder we're in sic a rage-
==He wants the hale o' the teind,
=Parsonage and Vicarage.



SECOND HERITOR.

She'd readily pay her merk
=Upon ony just occasion;
But she lives ten miles frae the kirk-
=An' she's of another persuasion.
He ought to scrutineese
=The errors that have perverted her-
An' she'll pay him whatever ye please
=As soon as he has converted her.

===_Chorus_ - Uh! uh! uh! &c.



THIRD HERITOR.

My father mortified
=A field of about ten acre-
But he scarce had signed the deed
=When his spirit was aff to his Maker.
Had the minister shown less greed,
=I didna mean to object to it-
But now I hope to see't
=Reduced _ex capite lecti_ yet.

===_Chorus_ - Uh! uh! uh! &c.



FOURTH HERITOR.

He says, that frae the teinds
=He is but puirly pensioned;
But he's ither ways an' means,
=Though he'd rather they werena mentioned.
He kens the ways o' a'
=The wives in his vicinity,
An' weel can whillywha
=A rich, auld, sour virginity.

===_Chorus_ - Uh! uh! uh! &c.



FIFTH HERITOR.

He'll croon to ane on death,
=Until her een are bleerit-
An' lecture anither on faith,
=Till she's like to gang deleerit.
An' thus he mak's a spoil
=O' fatuous facility,
An' works into the Will
=O' dottrified senility.

===_Chorus_ - Uh! uh! uh! &c.



SIXTH HERITOR

Every time (an' that's ance a-year)
=That his wife's in the hands o' the howdie,
He sets the hale parish asteer
=For things to favour her crowdie.
An' this ane sends jelly an' wine,
=An' that ane sends puddin's an' pastries,
Till she-like a muckle swine-
=Just wallows in walth an' wasteries.

===_Chorus_ - Uh! uh! uh! &c.



SEVENTH HERITOR.

He warns as to beware,-
=For if we're caught in transgression,
It's his duty to notice't in prayer,
=Or bring us afore the Session;
But a turkey, or a guse,
=Or some sic temporalities,
Can mak' a braw excuse
=For a' our wee carnalities.

===_Chorus_ - Uh! uh! uh! &c.



EIGHTH HERITOR.

The time he fixes for
=Parochial visitation,
Is aye our dinner-hour -
=An' he's sure to improve the occasion.
An' siccan a stamack he has!
=You'd think he'd ne'er get to the grund o' it;
An' he tells us that flesh is grass-
=Just after he's swallowed a pund o' it.

===_Chorus_ - Uh! uh! uh! &c.



ALL THE HERITORS TOGETHER.

Then, oh, my Lords, don't grant
=The smallest augmentation!
His pleading's nought but cant,
=Perversion and evasion.
Don't give a single rap
=('Twere worse than prodigality)
More than that fat old chap
=Draws under the last locality.

===_Chorus_ - Uh! uh! uh! &c.





THE LORDS MODIFY.

JUDICIAL MADRIGAL.- AIR - "_Now is the Month of Maying_."

The Court on this occasion
Of solemn consultation,
=Fol lol de rol, &c.-
With deep sense of their high
Responsibility,
==Thus modify:
====Fol de rol, &c.

We'll first allow him yearly
Ten pecks of Meal,-as clearly
===Equivalent
===To the full extent
==Of stipend paid in Bear;
=Though, lest he that deny,
=We'll add, for certainty,
===A boll of Rye.
====Fol de rol, &c.

One chalder, in addition,
Of Oats, would seem sufficient;
==And an increment
==To that extent
=We therefore modify,
With Barley as before.
_Lord C_. - "Oh! half a chalder more."
==Ho! ho! hi! - (_Judicial laughter_.)

The process now must tarry
Till the Junior Ordinary
==Proceed to prepare,
==With his usual care,
=A scheme of locality.
And, having done its turn,
The Court will now adjourn
==Instantly.
====Fol de rol, &c.

=======(_The Lords adjourn_.)





THE HERITORS REJOICE.

Hurrah for the Court o' Teinds!
=Hurrah for the Tithe Commission!
We couldna done better if friends
=Had taen up the case on submission.
His teeth he now may gnash
=O'er his matters alimentary;
The Lords have settled his hash
=For anither fifth part of a century!
===Ha! ha! ha!
==They've done for his venality!
===Hurrah! hurrah! hurrah!
==For the rectified locality!

Had he an offer fair,
=Or rational propounded,
For twa three chalders mair
=We'd gladly hae compounded.-
A boll o' Meal a-year
=We'd readily hae sent it him-
Forbye his pickle Bear,
=If that could hae contented him.
===Ha! ha! ha!
==The clod o' cauld legality!
===Hurrah! hurrah! hurrah!
==For the rectified locality!

But he wad tak' nae course,
=Except to raise an action,
In order to enforce
=The most extreme exaction.
He's now got his decree-
=An' muckle he's the better o't!
But we'll tak' care that he
=Shall keep within the letter o't.
===Ha! ha! ha!
==The mass o' fat formality!
===Hurrah! hurrah! hurrah!
==For the rectified locality.

For not a single Ait,
=Nor yet a spike o' Barley,
Nor nip o' Meal, he's get
=Again irregularly.
His wife, neist time, may grane
=As friendless as the Pelican;
While he may dine his lane
=Forenent her empty jelly-can.
===Ha! ha! ha!
==The lump o' sensuality!
===Hurrah! hurrah! hurrah!
==For the rectified locality!

=======(_Exeunt Heritors_.)





THE MINISTER CONSOLES HIMSELF.

Though I have been beset by roaring Bulls of Bashan,
=There is some comfort yet,
=Though I have been beset.
'Tis well that I'm to get a little augmentation,
Though I have been beset by roaring Bulls of Bashan.

I've many other cares that press on my attention.
=My Manse requires repairs -
=I've many other cares,-
Nay! common-sense declares it needeth an extension.
I've many other cares that press on my attention.

The rooms are far too small, and fewer than beseemeth.
=Should sickness e'er befall,
=The rooms are far too small;
We can't have beds for all when next my helpmeet teemeth.
The rooms are far too small, and fewer than beseemeth.

A wing on either side, of decent elevation-
=Proportionably wide-
=A wing on either side-
Would suitably provide for our accommodation,-
A wing on either side, of decent elevation.

My byre requires new walls-my milk-house a new gable.
=To stand the wintry squalls,
=My byre requires new walls.
New mangers and new stalls are needed for my stable.
My byre requires new walls-my milk-house a new gable.

If all this be not done unto my satisfaction,
=Before a year has run,-
=If all this be not done,-
All compromise I'll shun, and raise another action-
If all this be not done unto my satisfaction.

=And whoever did. oppose, &c.-(_Exit muttering_.)





DISTANT CHORUS OF HERITORS.

=Ha! -ha! -ha!
Curs -mean -scality!
=-rah! -rah! -rah!
Rec -fled -cality!





The Law of Marriage.

THOUGHTS AT SEA.

O MARRIAGE! - tell me if you truly are
=A Deity, as poets represent ye!
Or are you, as the Institutes declare,
=Nothing but a _consensus de presenti?_
No matter! - I espoused a maid of twenty
By promise, and a process _subsequente._

We married without contract; but our rights
=Were all defined within the year and day.
A youngster came, one o' the cold spring nights-
=I hardly had expected him till May.
My wife did well-in fact as well as could be;
The baby squeaked, and all was as it should be.

The darling's eyes were dark and deeply set-
=My wife's and mine were light and round and full;
His hair was thick and coarse and black as jet,
=While ours was thin and fair and soft as wool;
I knew 'twas vain to play the rude remonstrant,
For _Pater est quern nuptiae demonstrant_.

The am'rous youth may fervidly maintain
=That marriage is a cure for every trouble;
The feudalist may learnedly explain
=When its avail is single and when double:
Its sole avail to me, I grieve to say it,
Was debt-without the wherewithal to pay it.

And debt brings duns.  My dun was of a sort
=That never can desist from persecution.
He brought my case before the Sheriff Court-
=My debt, they told him, needed constitution.
'Twas false! He knew-I knew it to my curse-
It had the constitution of a horse.

But the decree went out, and I went in-
=And in the jail lived _more debitorum;_
Yet though I lost my flesh I saved my skin,
=By suing for a Cessio Bonorum.
I got out, naked as an unfurred rabbit.
The Lords dispensed, they told me, with the habit.

I went to seek my wife, but she had fled,
=And had not left a single paraphernal;
But matrimonial law, upon my head
=Seemed destined still to pour its curse eternal.
I had indeed obtained a separation
From bed and board-no prospect but starvation!

But bed and board are things worth striving for,
=So I bethought me of the pea and thimble:
But people had grown wiser than of yore,
=And all in vain I plied my fingers nimble.
I then attempted Vitious Intromission,
And was immediately conveyed to prison.

And here again I lay upon my oars;
=A Hermit keeps his cell-my cell kept me.
No letters came to me of Open Doors;
=Criminal letters, though, came postage free,
The air I breathed just added to my cares,
Reminding me of coming Justice Ayres.

And come they did!  And therefore am I now
=Upon thy wave, old Ocean-Sydney bound!
And here the partner of my youthful vow,
=Among the fourteen yearers have I found;
Here are we (though not just as when we courted)
Again united and again transported.





The Reform Bill

AIR - "_Merrily danced the Quaker_."

H! weary fa' Reform an' Whigs!
=That ever they were invented!
An' wae's me for my auld gudeman,
=He's fairly gane demented:
He grunts and growls frae morn to night
=About pensions an' taxation:
He's ruined wi' meetin's got up for the gude
=O' the workin' population.

The fient a turn o' wark he'll do
=To save us frae starvation;
He leaves his Horse to sort the Coo,
=For he maun sort the nation.
The fient he'll do but read the news-
=An' he reads wi' sic attention,
That his breeks are a' worn out in a place
=Which I'm ashamed to mention.

He gangs to publics ilka night,
=An' ilka groat he'll spend it,
An' how he gets hame in siccan a plight
=I canna comprehend it.
An' then my sons, like three wee Hams,
=Laugh at their drucken daddie,
As doun on the floor wi' a clout he slams,
=Wi' een like a Monday's haddie.

Afore the Whigs began their rigs,
=He was anither creature;
His een were bright as stars at night,
=An' plump was every feature.
His brow was like the lily white,
=His cheeks as red as roses;
He had a back like Wallace wight,
=An' a thicker beard than Moses.

But now he's lost his comely look,
=An' lost his stalwart figure;
His een are sinkin' into his head,
=An' his nose is growin' bigger.
His houghs are gane, he's a' owertane,
=And fusionless as a wether;
His back sticks out, an' his wame fa's in-
=An' he's a' reformed thegither!

Oh! dinna ye mind, my auld gudeman,
=When first we cam' thegither,
How cheerily our wark gaed on,
=How pleased we 'were wi' ither?
Our lives passed away like a Sabbath-day
=When the distant bells are ringin';
An' your breath was sweet as the new-mawn hay,
=An' no like a rotten ingan.

Oh! just to think what ye were then,
=An' now what ye are brocht to!
Ye're far waur aff than ever you were
=Before Reform was thocht o':
For then, when you wanted a sark to your wame,
=Ye made an unco wark, man;
But what's to be done wi' you now, when you hae nae
=A wame to pit in your sark, man?

Oh! gin ye wad but mind your pleugh,
=An' mind your empty pockets,
'Twere wiser-like than drink an' read
=Your een out o' their sockets.
Leave them that ken to mak' the laws-
=An' while your breeks will mend, man,
Just leave the nation to look to itsel',
=An' look you to your hinner end, man!





John and Jean.

_Antenuptial._

JOHN SINGS OF JEAN.

AIR - "_Bonnie wee thing_."

BONNIE Jeanie!
Artless Jeanie!
Rosy, cosy Jeanie!
=Wert thou mine!
How wad I adore you!
What could I do for you!
Think on what I swore you-
=See if I repine!

Try to vex me,
Pester or perplex me-
A' your little sex may,
=To bother ane o' mine!
Wreck me-break me-
Lick me-kick me-
Only me think, the
=Wee bit foot was thine.





JEAN SINGS OF JOHN.

(_In lines varied from old Scottish Ballads_.)

When bonnie young Johnnie went over the sea,
He said there was naething he liket like me.
He sang an' he whistled while haddin' the pleugh,
Though of gowd an' of gear he hadna eneugh.

But noo he has gotten a hat an' a feather-
An' ith hey! brave Johnnie, lad! cock up your beaver.

=His kin are for ane o' a higher degree,
=What has he to do wi' the like o' me?
=Although I am bonnie, I amna for Johnnie,
=An' werena my heart licht I wad dee.

===(_Dreams_.)

=Lang hae we parted been,
==Johnnie my dearie;
=Noo we hae met again,
==Laddie, lie near me!
=Near me! (_Suddenly wakening_.)  Dear me!
=Did ony ane hear me?
Could Johnnie been listenin'
=Dear me! - Oh dear me!





_Postnuptial._

JOHN TELLS OF JEAN.

(_To a tune of its own composing_.)

=Oh! what a deevil, a deevil, a deevil!
==Oh! what a deevil is Jean!
=The life o' a deevil I lead wi' the deevil,
==An' she cares deevil a preen!

She dauds wi' the poker, but no at the coals,
Her tongue an' her temper are out o' a' rules;
She dings at my head wi' a dizzen o' shools,
=And then she bawls out, "Mind your een!"
====Oh! what a deevil, &c.

She seizes the kail-pat, an' I get my share;
The stools spend the best o' their time in the air,
An' sittin' is no the right use for a chair,
=As I an' my shattered banes ken.
====Oh! what a deevil, &c.

I never come right down my stair, stap by stap,
For she aye flings nie head over heels frae the tap;
An' when I gang doun wi' a horrible slap,
=She bids me come soon back at e'en!
====Oh! what a deevil, &c.

She plays at the ba? wi' my head every day,
An' when I fa' ower she cries out-Hurrah!
An' she's got a great cuddie-heel to her shae,
=An' I've got a patch for my een!
====Oh! what a deevil, &c.

It's a miracle she's murdered nane o' the weans,
For she plays rowley-powley wi' them at my shins,
An' she says that it's punishment for's a' at ance,
=Like killin' twa dogs wi' ae bane.
====Oh! what a deevil, &c.

I'm sae muckle accustomed to lounders and licks,
That when I'm asleep she canna wake me wi' kicks,
Though her fit is as heavy as baith o' Auld Nick's,
=No countin' the weight o' her sheen.
====Oh! what a deevil, &c.

She dauds at me sae, whatever I do,
I'm just ae muckle lump through an' through,
An' every bit o' my body is blue,
=Except twa three bits that are green!
====Oh! what a deevil, &c.





JEAN REFLECTS ON JOHN.

(_To the same tune_.)

==Oh! what a deevil, a deevil, a deevil,
===Oh! what a deevil is John!
==Dinna think me unceevil to ca' him a deevil,
===Till you hear how the deevil gangs on.

He snuffs, an' he smokes, an' he drinks, an' he chews,
Till he's donnard, an' daised, an' ayont ony use;
An' how he whiles finds his way hame to his house,
=Is to me just a phenomenon!
====Oh! what a deevil, &c.

He fa's on the stair, an' he coups o'er the weans-
It's a miracle he's broken nane o' their banes,
As he bangs at the wa', or clytes doun on the stanes
=Wi' a weight that is twenty stane tron.
====Oh! what a deevil, &c.

An' when wi' a fecht I hae got him to bed,
He lies crookit, an' pu's a' the claes to his side;
An' he's got evermair sic a cauld in his head,
=That the neb o' him rins like a rone.
====Oh! what a deevil, &c.

When at last he's asleep, an' I'm just fa'in' o'er,
It wad be heaven's mercy if he'd only snore;
But he first gives a squeak-then a grunt-then a roar-
=Like a bagpiper sortin' his drone.
====Oh! what a deevil, &c.

In the mornin', to rise to his wark he's sae laith,
I whiles think he's sleepin' the slumber o' death;
I've to kick and to paik till I'm clean out o' breath,
=Ere I get him to cry out "Ohone!"
====Oh! what a deevil, &c.

On pay - nights he'll come hame as white as a clout,
Wi' his hat a' bashed in, an' his pouch inside out;
An' afore I can ask him what he's been about,
=He fa's down as flat as a scone.
====Oh! what a deevil, &c.

Just last Sunday morning - O sic a disgrace! -
The very policeman that took him up, says,
That he never saw, in the coorse o' his days,
=Sic a shamefu' exposure as yon.
====Oh! what a deevil, &c.





The Banks o' the Dee

AIR - "_Days o' lang syne_."

I MET an auld man on the banks o' the Dee,
An' a merrier body I never did see;
Though Time had bedrizzled his haffits wi' snaw,
An' Fortune had stown his luckpenny awa',
Yet never a mortal mair happy could be
Than the man that I met on the banks o' the Dee.

O, ance he had plenty o' owsen an' kye,
A wide wavin' mailin an' siller forbye;
But cauld was his hearth ore his youdith was o'er,
An' he delved on the lands he had lairded before,
Yet though beggared his ha' an' deserted his lea,
Contented he roamed on the banks o' the Dee.

'Twas heartsome to see the auld body sae gay,
As he toddled adown by the gowany brae,
Sae canty, sae crouse, an sae pruif against care;
Yet it wasna through riches, it wasna through lear;
But I fand out the cause ere I left the sweet Dee-
The man was as drunk as a mortal could be!





The Process of WAKENIN

AIR - "_Peggie is over ye Sie wi ye Souldier_." - SKENE MS.

JENNY! puir Jenny! the flow'r o' the lea-
The blythesome, the winsome, the gentle an' free-
=The joy and the pride
=O' the haill kintra side-
She dee'd of a process o' Wakenin.

Though her skin was sae smooth, an' her fingers sae sma',
She won through the hoopin'-cough, measles an' a'-
=She never took ill
=Frae fever or chill-
Yet she dee'd of a process o' Wakenin.

The case fell asleep when her Grandfather dee'd,
And few folk remembered it e'er had been plea'd.
=She never heard tell
=O' the matter hersel',
Till they sent her the summons o' Wakenin.

Jenny puir Jenny! - though courted by a',
Only ane touched her heart-an' he bore it awa'.
=It had just been arranged
=That her state should be changed,
When they sent her the summons o' Wakenin.

She had plighted her troth-they had fixed on the day-
A' arrangements completed-nae chance o' delay;
=She was thinkin' on this,
=And entranced wi' bliss,
When they sent her the summons o' Wakenin.

Her friends were sae kindly-her true-love sae prized,-
Surrounded by them, an' by him idolised;
=She had just passed the night
=In a dream o' delight,
When they sent her the summons o' Wakenin.

She fee'd the best counsel-what could she dae mair?
She read through the papers wi' sorrow an' care,
=But could only mak' out,
=That beyond ony doubt,
'Twas a wearifu' process o' Wakenin.

An' her friends that she thought wad be constant for aye,
Of course they grew scarce, an' kept out o' her way;
=For naebody ken'd
=How the matter wad end,
When they heard o' the process o' Wakenin.

An' her true-love for whom she wad gladly gien a',
Slid cauld frae her grasp like a handfu' o' snaw;-
=Sae she gied up the case,
=An' gied up the ghaist,
An' dee'd o' a process o' Wakenin





Cessia Bonorum

AIR - "_Tullochgorum_."

COME ben ta house, an' steek ta door,
An' bring her usquebaugh galore,
An' piper pla' wi' a' your pow'r
=Ta reel o' Tullochgorum.
For we'se he croose an' canty yet-
=Croose an' canty,
=Croose an' canty-
We'se be croose an' canty yet,
=Around a Hieland jorum.
We'se be croose an' canty yet,
For better luck she never met-
She's gotten out an' paid her debt
=Wi' a Cessio Ponorum!
==Huch! tirrum, tirrum, &c.

She meant ta pargain to dispute,
An' pay ta price, she wadna do't,
But on a Bill her mark she put,
=An' hoped to hear no more o'm.
Blythe an' merry was she then-
=Blythe an' merry,
=Blythe an' merry-
Blythe an' merry was she then
=She thought she had come ower 'm.
Blythe an' merry was she then-
But unco little did she ken
O' Shirra's laws, an' Shirra's men,
=Or Cessio Ponorum!
==Huch! tirrum, tirrum, &c.

Cot tamn! - but it was pad indeed!
They took her up wi' meikle speed-
To jail they bore her-feet an' head-
=An' flung her on ta floor o'm.
Wae an' weary has she been-
=Wae an' weary,
=Wae an' weary-
Wae an' weary has she been
=Amang ta Debitorum.
Wae an' weary has she been,
An' most uncivil people seen-
She's much peholden to her frien'
=Ta Cessio Ponorum
==Huch! tirram, tirrum, &c.

She took an oath she couldna hear-
'Twas something about goods an' gear,-
She thought it proper no to speer
=Afore ta Dominorum.
She kent an' caredna if 'twas true-
=Kent an' caredna,
=Kent an' caredna-
Kent an' caredna if 'twas true,
=But easily she swore 'm.
She kent an' caredna if 'twas true,
But scrap't her foot, an' made her poo,
Then, oich! - as to ta door she flew
=Wi' her Cessio Ponorum
==Huch! tirrum, tirrum, &c.

She owed some bits o' odds an' ends
An' twa three debts to twa three friends-
She kent fu' weel her dividends
=Could paid anither score o'm.
Ta fees an' charges were but sma'-
=Fees an' charges,
=Fees an' charges-
Ta fees an' charges were but sma',
=Huch! tat for fifty more o'm!
Ta fees an' charges were but sma'-
But little kent she o' the law.
Tamn! - if she hasn't paid them a'
=Wi' her Cessio Ponorum!
==Huch! tirrum, tirrum, &c.

But just let that cursed loon come here
That took her Bill! - she winna swear,-
But, ooghh! - if she could catch him near
=Ta craigs o' Cairngorum!
If belt an' buckle can keep fast-
=Belt an' buckle,
=Belt an' buckle-
If belt an' buckle can keep fast,
=She'd mak' him a' Terrorem.
If belt an' buckle can keep fast,
Her caption would be like to last,
Py Co! - but she would poot him past
=A Cessio Ponorum!
==Huch! tirrum, tirrum, &c.





Lady!  Thine Eye is Bright.

LADY! thine eye is bright-
=Boast of it well,
While youth and delight
=In its fairy beam dwell:
Fast comes the hour
=When its light must away-
Potent the power
=That bids beauty decay.

Lady! thy lip is red-
=Be proud, lady, proud;
Rejoice ere its bloom is shed
=Under the shroud.
When the sod presses you,
=Pleasure is gone;
When the worm kisses you.
=Raptures are done.

Lady! rejoice-
=Triumph has crowned you;
List to the voice
=Of flatt'ry around you.
Forget that your bright day
=Brings darkness behind it;
Forget while you may,
=You will soon be reminded!





What will I do gin my Doggie Dee?

AIR - "_O'er the hills an' far away_."

OH! what will I do gin my doggie dee?
He was sae kind an' true to me,
Sae handsome, an' sae fu' o' glee-
What will I do gin my doggie dee?
My guide upon the wintry hill,
My faithfu' friend through gude an' ill,
An' aye sae pleased an' proud o' me-
What will I do gin my doggie dee?

He lay sae canty i' my plaid,
His chafts upon my shouther-blade,
His hinder paw upon my knee,
Sae crouse an' cosh, my doggie an' me.
He wagged his tail wi' sic a swirl,
He cocked his lug wi' sic a curl,
An' aye snook't out his nose to me-
Oh! what will I do gin my doggie dee?

He watched ilk movement o' my ee,
When I was glad he barkit tae;
When I was waefu', sae was he-
Oh!  I ne'er lo'ed him as he lo'ed me.
He guarded me baith light an' dark,
An' helpit me at a' my wark;
Whare'er I wandered there was he-
What will I do gin my doggie dee?

Nae ither tyke that you could meet,
Was ever fit to dicht his feet;
But now they'll hae a jubilee,
He's like to be removed frae me.
'Twas just yestreen my wife an' he-
Deil hae the loons that mauled them sae!
They're baith as ill as ill can be-
What will I do gin my doggie dee?





Elsie.

(_As sung by her boorish husband_.)

AIR - "_Bobbin John_."

ELSIE's neat an' clean,
=Elsie's proud an' saucy,
Elsie's trig an' braw,
=Elsie is a lassie,
Elsie is a fule,
=Elsie's neives are massy,
Elsie's tongue is lang-
=Elsie is a lassie.

Elsie is my wife,
=Thinks to be the ruler;
Elsie is an ass,
=Thinks that I care for her;
Swears she'll keep the cash,
=Disna keep a boddle,
Wares it a' on dress,
=Ca's hersel' a model!

Elsie is a guse-
=I'll gang an' tell her,
I'll hae the house,
=I'll hae the siller;
I'll hand my ain,
=I'll keep the causey;
Elsie wear the breeks?-
=Elsie is a lassie.

I've got a foot,
=Ken how to use it;
If I gie a kick,
=She maun just excuse it.
I am a man,
=Strong built an' massy-
Elsie takes her chance,
=Elsie's but a lassie!





Dubbyside.

THE foam-flakes flash, the black rocks scowl,
The sea-bird screams, the wild winds howl;
A giant wave springs up on high-
"One pull for God's sake!" is the cry:
If struck, we perish in the tide-
If saved, we land at Dubbyside!

O Dubbyside! our peril's past,
And bliss and thee are reached at last!
As sprang Leander to his bride,
Half drowned, so we to Dubbyside!
What though we're drenched, we will he dried
Upon thy banks, sweet Dubbyside!

Are we in Heaven, or are we here,
Or in the Moon, or Jupiter?
These velvet Links, o' golfers rife,
Are they in Paradise, or Fife?
Am I alive, or am I dead,
Or am I _not_ at Dubbyside?

Through Eden's groves there flowed a stream,
And there its very waters gleam-
Its pebbly bed, its banks the same,
Unchanged in all except the name,
Since Adam bathed in Leven tide,
While Eve reposed at Dubbyside!

And still it is a blissful spot,
Though Paradise is all forgot
The fairies shower their radiance here,
The rocks look bright, the dubs are clear;
Deem not that bush the forest's pride-
Remember, you're at Dubbyside!

Is that an angel shining there,
Or sea-nymph with her flowing hair,
Or Neptune's pearl-embowered bride
Kissing the foam-bells of the tide?
'Tis neither angel, nymph, nor bride-
'Tis Podley Jess of Dubbyside!





When this Old Wig was New.

AIR - "_When this old coat was new_."

WHEN this old wig was new,
=The Barber raised his eyes
And blessed himself to view
=A wig so wondrous wise!
It was his pride-and, sooth,
=I proudly prized it too,
For I was but a youth
=When this old wig was new.

But now my wig is old,
=And I am young no more;
The course of time has rolled,
=And our career is o'er:
I'll mix no more with men
=As I was wont to do,
Nor see the days again
=When this old wig was new.

Oh, the days that I have seen,
=And the hours that I have passed,
And the pleasures that have been
=Too exquisite to last!
Before my eyes they pass
=In sweet though sad review-
I think of what I was
=When this old wig was new.

I think of times when far
=Aloof cold envy stood,
And brethren of the Bar
=Professed good brotherhood-
Not soulless etiquette,
=But friendship warm and true,-
With heart and hand we met
=When this old wig was new.

No greedy hand was then
=Projected for a fee;
We held no servile pen
=To any lordly he:
And none of us demurred
=The poor man's cause to sue,
For honour was the word
=When this old wig was new.

Then truly was the age
=Of matchless eloquence,
And counsels deep and sage,
=And energy intense;
And we had men of lore,
=And wit and fancy too,
For Wisdom's cup ran o'er
=When this old wig was new.

I've laughed until nine eye
=Has filled with tears of glee,
I've wept that fountain dry
=From very agony,
As the floods of Erskine broke,
=Or the sparks of humour flew
From the lips of those who spoke
=When this old wig was new.

But when our weekly toil
=Brought Saturday about,
Then all was one turmoil
=Of revelry and rout.





The Sign O' The Craw.

(SENTIMENTS ATTRIBUTED TO A WELL-KNOWN FREQUENTER OF THAT INSTITUTION.)

AIR - "_Soldier's joy_."

LET others sing the graces an' roose the jolly faces
O' a' the bonny lasses that ever were ava;
I'll rout wi' right gude will, about the joys I feel,
When sookin' at a gill at the Sign o' the Craw.
====Lal de daudle, &c.

I like meat unco weel, for my wame it can fill,
An' wantin' it I feel I could ne'er fend ava:
But why I wish to fend some folk hae never ken'd-
'Tis my staps that I may bend to the Sign o' the Craw.
====Lal de daudle, &c.

I'll acknowledge my belief, that to hae a tidy wife
Is a comfort to my life that I couldna forega;
For if she's worth a louse, she may surely keep the house
When I've gane to take a house at the Sign o' the Craw.
====Lal de daudle, &c.

I never a' my days liked to gang withouten claes,
An' a reason if you please I can readily shaw:
'Tis that when my siller's gane, my coat I then can pawn,
An' get anither can at the Sign o' the Craw.
====Lal de daudle, &c.

The last time I was sober, ae morning in October,
I foregathered wi' a robber wha clinked my cash awa;
But not e'en the horned deil frae me can ever steal
What I've gien them for a gill at the Sign o' the Craw.
====Lal de daudle, &c.

I wadna gie a sneeshin' to hear a blockhead screechin',
Himsel' an' ithers fashin', 'cause a lassie's ran awa';
Contented here I am, sae I'll e'en take add my dram,
Till I fa' into a dwam at the Sign o' the Craw.
====Lal de daudle, &c.





My Wife has come ower to Cure Me.

AIR - "_My Mither's aye glowerin' o'er me_.'

MY wife she's come ower to cure me-
For naething on earth but to cure me;
I was deein' o' ease, an' comfort, an' peace,
An' my wife has come ower to cure me.
Nae doubt I was ill when a' thing gaed weel,
An' I didna ken what was gude for me;
My sleep was sae soun', an' my body sae roun';
But my wife has come ower-an' she'll cure me.

My wife has come ower to cure me,
My wife has come ower to cure me;
She cuist up her place where she gat meat an' claes,
An' she's come ower the water to cure me.
My cheeks were sae red, my heart was sae glad,
Bad symptoms they were to alarm me;
Preternatural fat, an' strength, an' a' that,
But my wife has come ower-an' she'll cure me.

My wife has come ower to cure me,
To show the affection she bore me;
I was deein' o' health, an' ruined wi' wealth,
When my wife came ower to cure me.
I rose wi' the lark, an' ate like a shark,
A' the joys o' the angels came ower me;
Outrageously right, stark mad wi' delight;
But my wife has come ower-an' she'll care me.

My wife has come ower to cure me-
For no earthly cause but to cure me;
I was horridly weel-my banes hard as steel
But my wife has come hame-an' she'll cure me.
Oh were she to die, what wad come o' me?
What spirits an' thrills wad devour me!
Ilka pap wi' the shool on the tap o' the mool,
Wad forbid her frae comin' to cure me.





Drinkin' Drams.

(BACCHANALIAN HEROICS.)

AIR - "_My Luve's in Germany_."

[Since Mr Outram wrote the following verses, the temperance cause has made great progress, and deservedly so; but it is just possible that it will be the temperance people rather than the topers who will laugh most at this ironically humorous song.]

HE ance was holy,
An' melancholy,
Till he found the folly
=O' singin' psalms;
He's now as red's a rose,
An' there's pimples on his nose,
And in size it daily grows
=By drinkin' drams.

He ance was weak,
An' couldna eat a steak
Without gettin' sick
=An' takin' qualms;
But now he can eat
O' ony kind o' meat,
For he's got an appeteet
=By drinkin' drams.

He ance was thin,
Wi' a nose like a pen,
An' haunds like a hen,
=An' nae hams;
But now he's round an' tight,
An' a deevil o' a wight,
For he's got himsol' put right
=By drinkin' drams.

He ance was saft as dirt,
An' as pale as ony shirt,
An' as useless as a cart
=Without the trams;
But now he'd face the deil,
Or swallow Jonah's whale-
He's as gleg's a puddock's tail
=Wi drinkin' drams.

Oh! pale, pale was his hue,
An' cauld, cauld was his broo,
An' he grumbled like a ewe
=Without the rams;
But now his broo is bricht,
An' his een are orbs o' licht,
An' his nose is just a sicht
=Wi' drinkin' drams.

He studied mathematics,
Logic, ethics, hydrostatics,
Till he needed diuretics
=To lowse his dams;
But now, without a lee,
He could make anither sea,
For he's left philosophy
=An' taen to drams.

He found that learnin', fame,
Gas, philanthropy, an' steam,
Logic, loyalty, gude name,
=Were a' mere shams;
That the source o' joy below,
An' the antidote to woe,
An' the only proper go,
=Was drinkin' drams.





Here I am.

WHAEVER'S here that wishes a cure
=For mind, or wind, or limb,
Let him listen to mine-wi' me it's been sure-
=It'll be the same wi' him.
Whatever comfort failed me,
Whatever it was that ailed me,
Whatever was my plisky,
=Whatever dangers cam-
I tipp't aff a bottle o' whisky,
=An' here I am!

Ance I was ill, and to mak' up his bill,
=The Doctor cam like stour,
Wi' a forpit o' squills, an' laxative pills,
=My illness sair to cure.
He swore I was in a consumption-
I swore he had nae gumption;
He said I might tak the riskie-
=I said I wad tak my dram, -
Sae I tipp't aft' a bottle o' whisky,
=An' here I am!

When I was in love, my mettle to prove,
=My sweetheart behaved unco queer;
She ance saw me fou, an' she ca'd me a sow,
=An' said I was portable beer!
Her love I cast all a' houp o't,
Sae I ran to a linn to loup it-
But as I was rinnin' sae briskly,
=I thought I wad tak a dram-
Sae I tipp't aff a bottle o' whisky
=An' here I am!

I ance gaed aff, like a sober calf,
=To sail the warld round,
But as we cam' back, the ship was a wrack,
=An' we were just gaun to be drowned;
The passengers lustily sang out,
The crew whomelled into the long boat,
An' how I got out o' the plisky,
=I dinna ken whether I swam-
But I tipp't aff a bottle o' whisky,
=An' here I am!





WE BE THREE POOR BARRISTERS

ROUND - "_We be three poor Mariners_."

WE be three poor Banisters,
=With minds but ill at ease,
Because we never are retained
=In any kind of pleas.
We pace the House around, around, around,
Where litigants abound, abound, abound,
==Where fees are rife,
==Yet for our life
We cannot take a pound, a pound, a pound.

Ah! little do their clients know,
=Who trust to legal skill,
What injury their doers do,
=Employing whom they will,
And leaving us around, around, around,
No chance to be renowned, renowned, renowned,
==Though we have store
==Of wit and lore
That might the world astound, astound, astound.

We wonder what their agents think-
=Or if they think at all-
Who still employ these little men,
=With voice so thin and small,
You scarce can hear a sound, a sound, a sound,
While we walk idly round, around, around-
==With lungs to make
==The rafters shake
And vaulted roofs rebound, rebound, rebound.

As for that clerk of evil fame,
=Accursed let him be,
Who tempteth meaner souls than ours
=To plead for a half a fee-
With emphasis profound, profound, profound,
We execrate the hound, the hound, the hound,
==As to and fro
==Each day we go
Across the earthen Mound, a-Mound, a-Mound!

Yet not because we're thus forgot
=Down-hearted shall we be;
The pluckless soul may yield to grief-
=We'll live in jollity!
We'll pass the glass around, around, around,
And thus dull care confound, confound, confound,
==Nor heed the fee
==So long as we
With mirth and glee abound, abound, abound.





The Lawyer's Suit.

AIR - "_For the lack of Gold_."

OH why, lady, why, when I come to your side,
Repulse your poor suitor with such haughty pride?
That you'll never wed with a Lawyer you swear-
But why so averse to a Lawyer, my dear?

Can it be, that because I have thought and have read,
Till my heart to the world and its pleasures is dead?
Pshaw! my heart may be hard, but then it is clear
Your triumph's the greater to melt it, my dear!

Can it be that because my eyes have grown dim,
And my colour is wan, and my body is slim?
Pshaw! the husk of the almond as rough may appear-
But what do you think of the kernel, my dear?

Would you wed with a Fop full of apish grimace,
Whose antics would call all the blood to your face?
Take me, from confusion you're sure to be clear,
For a Lawyer's ne'er troubled with blushes, my dear!

Would you wed with a Merchant, who'd curse and who'd ban
'Cause he's plagued by his conscience for cheating a man?
Take me, and be sure that my conscience is clear,
For a Lawyer's ne'er troubled with conscience, my dear!

Would you wed with a Soldier with brains made of fuel,
Who, defending his honour, is killed in a duel?
Take me, and such danger you've no need to fear,
For my honour is not worth defending, my dear!

Come, wed with a Lawyer! you needn't fear strife,
For since I have borne with the courts all my life,
That the devil can't ruffle my temper, I'll swear-
And I hardly think you could do't either, my dear!





My Nannie.

AIR - "_Carrickfergus_."

MY Nannie fell sick, an' my Nannie was deein',
My friends a' advised me for doctors to send;
But she was sae grievin' me when she was livin',
That, troth, I had little desire she should mend.

I said I'd nae siller-they wadna come till her-
Sae I watched her wi' tenderest care by mysel';
But whate'er was the matter, the limmer got better,
And to my great sorrow she soon was quite well.

Wi' a jorum o' whisky I gat mysel' frisky,
An' said 'twas for joy to see her sae weel:
Says she - "How got ye that when you couldna buy med'cine?"
An' gied me a thump wad hae murdered the deil!

Her passion near choked her-I ran for the doctor-
But she hardly had been a week under his care,
When he said - "Your wife's leavin' the land o' the livin',-
I've done what I could, sir-I canna do mair."

"O Doctor!" says I, "Sir, you'd much better stay, sir,
An' do what ye can for her-till she's quite gane!"
He plied her wi' physic, an' that made her sae sick,
That in less than a month Nannie graned her last grane!

To the Doctor I handed twice what he demanded;
My friends a' advised me to marry again-
But quo' I, "I'll no marry again in a hurry,
For I canna forget my dear Nannie that's gane!"





The Holy Loch.

CALM, calm, the blue lake silent lies,
=The sky without a breath to shake it;
The drowsy clouds nor fall nor rise-
=The earth's asleep, and none to wake it.
The sun glares with his fiery eye
=Upon the beauteous scene before him,
While green-robed Nature modestly
=Shrinks from such outrage of decorum.

The sun has gone, the day is done,
=The moon beams o'er the peaceful water,
High up above, looking such love
=As mother's o'er an only daughter.
In vain, in vain my ear I strain
=To catch the ripple of the billow.
I don't feel well-I'll ring the bell,
=And ask them just to shift my pillow.





Insurance.

AIR - "_What can a Young Lassie._"

The premium is an thing-the duty's anither,
=It comes a' thegither to saxty pound three,
An' ilk year at Yule it gars us sing dool-
=It's a terrible pull on a poor family!
But the gudeman was failin' an' constantly ailin',
='Twas high time that his life insured should be;
And on ilk occasion it's some consolation
=That we'll a' be provided for gin he should die.





IS THE HOUSE WARM YET?

IT was an old Scotch custom-not yet wholly unknown-that a dinner or supper should be given by the head of the house, to a few choice and intimate friends, on the family entering a new place of residence.  Such meetings were always highly convivial.  The warmth or mirth of the party was held as a sort of forecast of the future character of the house, so the host did his best to promote the hilarity and enjoyment of his friends, while they showed their kindly sympathy in the warmth of their welcome to his new abode.  Toasts of kind words and good wishes were drunk in flowing bumpers, and so the libations to Bacchus were not stinted.  _Duke est desipere in loco_ was the joyous feeling.  The new house was just the desired _locus_, and as the fun generally "grew fast and furious," something like the high-jinks of Pleydell and his jolly _confreres_ in 'Guy Mannering' was usually the upshot.  Such was a Scotch "house-heating" or "house-warming" fifty years ago.
The song seems to have been written, either to be sung at such a symposium given by Outram in a new residence, or, at a future convivial meeting in remembrance of it.  The scenes described are of course fancy pictures, intended possibly to give some indication of each guest's turn of mind when abandoned to mirth and frolic.





Is thy House Warm Yet?

AIR - "_When the house is rinnin' round about it's time enough to flit_."

WHEN there's joy in ilka heart, and there's mirth in every ee,
When we've burst the bands o' care and feel the spirit free,
An' we canna tell what house it is, we then may think it fit
To whisper to each other - Is the house warm yet?
=Is the house warm yet? is the house warm yet?
=It aye becomes the cozier the langer that we sit;
=An' till it's like an oven we will never steer a fit,
=Though we ask at ane anither - Is the house warm yet?

When Bell begins to falter in his boisterous career,
And Mackenzie's merry voice begins to sound a little queer,
And Hill's becoming tuneless - we may the question pit,
In whispers to each other - Is the house warm yet?
=_Chorus_ - Is the house warm yet? &c.

When Rhind begins, with husky throat, to overture the chair,
And the joyous - hearted Crutherland seems quite o'ercome wi' care,
And Ellis seems at sea - we may then the question pit,
In whispers to each other - Is the house warm yet?
=_Chorus_ - Is the house warm yet? &c.

When Macnee confuses Archie wi' the little Paisley boy,
And Dunbar's tongue is motionless by sheer excess of joy,
And Spens calls it doubly hazardous - we then may think it fit
To inquire at ane anither - Is the house warm yet?
=_Chorus_ - Is the house warm yet &c.

When Salmond breaks his glass and seeks to justify the deed,
And the Doctor frae Gartnavel tries to stand upon his head,
And the landlord fa's asleep-we may then the question pit,
In whispers to each other - Is the house warm yet?
=_Chorus_ - Is the house warm yet? &c.

And when the house is warmed at last, and frae it we have gane,
We maun haud a carefu' memory o' the road back again;
An' o' friendship an' o' kindness we'll often tak a fit,
An' come rinnin' back to ask - Is the house warm yet?
=_Chorus_ - Is the house warm yet? &c.





An Appeal from the Sheriff.

"Understood to allude to an appeal from the Sheriffs decision in a case Mr Outram had with a gasfitter, who undertook to ventilate ins house, but made it nearly uninhabitable instead."

On this case Lord Cockburn wrote the following Epigram, the litigation affording much meriment to all Mr Outram's legal friends:-

Not a room in the house the same climate can boast,
On the one side we freeze, on the other we roast;
And if to the fireside your chair you should pull in,
Your back is in Lapland, your knees in Ben Coolin.


SUSTAINS the pursuer's title!
Finds no irregularity in cital,
Therefore repels the defences,
=And in respect
=The stamp is correct,
Decerns for pursuer, with expenses.

Am I to be ruined by such drivel?
No!  I'll see the pursuer at the devil;
'Tis only Henry Bell's decision-
='Tis not too late
=To advocate,
And avoid this enormous lesion.

I'll go to the Court of Session,
And resist this most infamous oppression;
I'll retain both Monro and M'Kenzie,
=Fordyce, Handyside,
=And others true and tried,
And I'll put the pursuer in a frenzy.

But if Fortune in spite of them should fail me,
And neither law nor equity avail me,
I'll care not for either Division-
=Though I go to the court
=Of last resort,
I'll upset this preposterous decision.





On Hope.

SAW ye the snow-wreath,
=White on the hill?
Saw ye the wild lily
=Bloom by the rill?
Saw ye the star
=Light heaven only,
Gleaming afar,
=Lovely and lonely?

Hope's like the snow
=That falls from the sky:
Beauteous and holy,
=It dazzles the eye.
But with manhood comes sorrow,
=And hopes disappear;
And the snow-drop to-morrow
=Will melt to a tear.

Hope's like the lily
=That bloomed in the spring,
Wooing the breeze
=With its delicate wing.
Alas! the bright sun,
=In which it delighted,
Too powerfully burns,
=And the lily is blighted.

Hope's like the lone star
=In Eternity riding,
The trembling mariner
=O'er the deep guiding.
A dim earthly vapour
=Its glory hath crossed:
Hope has departed-
=The sailor is lost.





Forget not me.

FORGET not me, my love,
=When others whisper thou art fair;
With honeyed words their lips may move,
=But love like mine is rare.

Forget not me, my love,
=When warmer eyes upon thee rest;
Their fire can ne'er so fervent prove
=As that within my breast.

Think not I doubt thy faith;
=The wreathy foam upon the sea,
Spread by the zephyr's gentlest breath
=Is not more pure than thee.

I well believe thee true,
=Thy heart will ne'er deceitful be;
But then that heart is tender too,
=For it was kind to me.

May not a tearful eye,
=A glowing cheek, and mournful air,
Break from thy friendly heart a sigh,
=And waken pity there?




Ae Day I got Married.

AIR - "_They all take a sup in their turn_."

AE day I got married-an' so you see
There of course was an end to peace wi' me;
Whenever I moved, Kate loosed her tongue,
An' when I replied she took to the rung;
==So what between licking,
==An' scolding, an' kicking,
=I hoped for rest but in the grave.

My wife was a woman-an' so you see
She was nae great shakes at constancy;
Sae a lawyer cam' and skreighed himsel' hoarse,
Persuading at me to get a divorce;
==For, says he, if ye dinna,
==Ye're a low stupit ninny,
=An' ye'll get nae rest but in the grave.

But he was a lawyer-an' so you see
Ilk thing that he said was a great muckle lee;
But the very attempt put my wife in a fever,
An' nought but a muckle-wigged doctor could save her,
==Wha swore by the rood
==He wad do what he could
=To rescue my spouse frae the grave.

But he was a doctor-an' so you see
My ill-natured Katty began to dee;
So in a few days she was laid in the mool,
An' I was delivered frae a' my dool:
==So I fand I was right,
==That to do what I might,
=My only relief was the grave.





The Swine.

A SKETCH.

MY twa swine on the midden,
Wi' very fat their een are hidden,
Their wames are swell'd beyond dimension,
Their shapes! - ye hae nae comprehension.

Sic a sicht! - their tails sae curly,
Their houghs sae round, their necks sae burly;
In the warld there's naething bigger
Than the tane-except the tither!





Fragments.


THE BARLEY-FEVER.

=OH the Barley-fever!
The Barley-fever, the Barley-fever!
It sticks like a burr, or a plough in a fur,
=An' it fells a man like a cleaver.
Yer beard turns lang, an' yer head turns bald,
An' yer face grows as white as the lip o' a scald;
Yer tae end is het, an' the tither is cauld,
=Like a rat wi' its tail in a siever.

=Oh the Barley-fever!
The Barley-fever, the Barley-fever!
It gars the best soul grow as toom as a bowl,
=An' as flat as the doup o' a weaver.
The Typhus tak's folk that are no very clean,
The Scarlet's content wi' a fat fozy wean;
But the Barley tak's rich, poor, clean, dirty, fat, lean,
=The infidel and the believer.


THE MILLER.

THE Miller's rung did deeds o' weir,
=For mortal fray it aye was ready;
The Miller kent neither sloth nor fear
=When he fought for king or bonnie leddy!
His head was pruif o' stane or steel,
=His skin was teugher than bend-leather;
He could pu' against his ain mill-wheel,
=Or snap in bits his horse's tether.


THE FULE'S SANG.

LEDDIES they sing leddies' sangs,
=An' men they sing men's,
An' fules they sing foolish sangs,
=As a' the world kens;
But a' the fule's foolish sangs
=That e'er cam' frae the moon,
Were naething to a sang I heard,
=To a very foolish tune,
==That a fule sang to me.


THE ALEHOUSE.

A' HUMAN joys come to an end
==Some time or ither:
The songsters had nae mair to spend,
==An' though the weather
=Was maist enough to kill a brute,
Auld Luckie cam' an' drave them out.


WOMAN.

LIKE a clear rippling stream
Glancing in the sunny beam
So artless pure does woman seem-
=Whistle o'er the lave o't!
She's like (as we in beuks may read)
The daisy blooming on the mead,
A helpless, sweet, bit bonny weed-
=Whistle o'er the lave o't!





Epigrams

ON HEARING A LADY PRAISE A CERTAIN REV. DOCTOR'S EYES.

I CANNOT praise the Doctor's eyes,
=I never saw his glance divine;
He always shuts them when he prays,
=And when he preaches he shuts mine.


A' THINGS created have their uses;
=This truth will bear nae doots,
As far as hauds to fleas an' louses,
=An' ither bitin' brutes:
I ken the use o' crawlin' clocks,
=An' bugs upon you creepin';
But what's the use o' Barbara Fox?
=By Jingo! that's a deep ane.


ON MISS GRACE C--.

IN days of yore the saints oft prayed,
=For grace to keep them from all evil;
Sure sinners now for grace may hope,
=Since Grace is going to the devil.


ON DAVID --, AN EGOTIST.

A GRECIAN Sage one day found out
That all he ever knew was nought,
=Which made a wondrous noise;
But greater praise is David's due,
Who found out more than others knew,
=Namely-that he was wise!

----

'TWIXT Joan and Chloe who'll decide
=The precedence in evil?
Fair Chloe could corrupt a saint,
=Joan could corrupt the devil.





Epitaphs

HERE LIES.

HERE lies, of sense bereft-
=But sense he never had;
Here lies, by feeling left-
=But that is just as bad;
Here lies, reduced to dirt-
=That's what he always was;
Here lies, without a heart-
=He ne'er had one, alas!

Here lies . . . . . . . .
=He did so ere he died;
Then simply to begin,-Here lies-
=But all his life he lied.
Death is a change, they say,-
=Ye powers that rule the sky,
What change is here, I pray?
=For surely he did die.





AN EPITAPH AND RETROSPECT.

BENEATH this rude and little honoured urn
=The bones of one still little loved repose:
Few know or care what cause he had to mourn,
=And fewer still could sorrow for his woes.

Nor cold nor hunger cursed his lowly fate;
=Nor faithlessness of friends, nor scorn of men;
Nor vain ambitious dreams, found false too late;
=Nor rude oppression caused his bosom's pain.

He loved mankind-he still was just and true-
=Still he brought succour to the weak and poor;
He wished to make each mourner glad-but few,
=Few were his means the bleeding soul to cure.

If you have ever grieved, he grieved for you-
=For every woe his sympathy could claim;
He wept for all, while yet his tears could flow-
Now he is gone! - and who will weep for him?