AT AN ELECTION MEETING ME an’ Bailie Pinkerton, as twa retiring members, were asked the ither nicht tae attend a meeting tae solicit a renewed vote o’ confidence. Obedient tae the request, we put on oor swallow-tail coats an’ gloves, an’ awa’ we gaed tae the meeting. The hall wis packed, for a lot o’ burning questions were expectit tae come up. As the clock struck echt, Mr Wotherspoon, the barber, got up, an’, wi’ a flourish o’ his arm, says, "I propose oor worthy Provost takes the chair," then the hale audience rose em masse, an’ sung "For he’s a jolly good fellow," an’ then there wis great applause, an’ I stood up an’ made a bow, an’ walked ower tae the chair an’ stood behint it for a wee hauding on by its back. Efter drinking a tummlerfu’ a’ water, I put a pepperment drap intae my mooth, an’ I says— "Gentlemen, twa new aspirants hae come forrit tae solicit your votes in opposition tae us, but jist let them ca’ canny, an’ remember that in you electors is reposed the solemn duty o’ appointing the twa best men ye can get. There’s a heep a’ things tae be considered in electing Councillors tae mak’ Bailies o’—age, wealth, height, stootness, position, an’ sedateness. It’s no often I’m personal, gentlemen, but everybody aloos I’m jist the beau ideal o’ a Bailie or a Provost. Some say if I had an inch or twa mair in heicht it wid be an advantage, but if a man’s jist twa inches frae perfection he has naething to compleen aboot. (Applause.) Of course, gentlemen, it’s no gi’en tae everybody tae be as near perfection as I am, but ye micht hae me in your e’e tae judge by. Mr Pinkerton an’ me’s like twa twin brithers, an’ mony a time when him an’ me were confidential ower a gless o’ toddy, he has said, wi’ tears in his een, ‘Ye don’t know what it is tae be afflicted. Ye’re happy an’ contented, an’, above a’, dignified, but wha could be dignified wi’ a wudden leg?’ But, gentlemen, I aye whispered tae him, ‘It’s no gi’en tae us tae be a’ alike,’ an’ then I telt him the story o’ the lass wha marrit a man wi’ a wudden leg, because, says she, ‘Onybody can get a man wi’ twa ornar legs, but it’s something oot o’ the common tae hae a man wi’ a wudden ane.’ He wis aye cheered up sae much that he wid mix a fresh gless an' put twice as much in’t as usual. But, gentlemen, Solomon says ‘the talk of the lips tendeth to penury,’ an' again, ‘the hand o’ the diligent maketh rich.’ Solomon wis a rale wise man for his time, an’ I hae only tae point tae the improvements in Stra’bungo under my reign tae convince you that Solomon wisna faur wrang. Look at your native toon, the model toon o’ the West o’ Scotland—compare it wi’ Glesca an’ see the difference. We hae nae complaints aboot the bad gas. We haena oor principal streets infested wi’ roughs an’ bad characters like the Trongate. The river that rifts thro’ oor toon is no a sink o’ iniquity like the Clyde. We don’t allow mock auctions tae exist in oor midst tae swindle the innocent country folk, nor do we hae oor streets a’ in holes. No, gentlemen, we are a thriving community, an’ hae at oor doors the finest public park in Glasgow, for which we pay naething. So much is oor locality thocht o’ that it was vera near settled that the Glasgow Exhibition o’ 1888 was tae be held oot here at your vera feet—in Stra’bungo! After that we may weel aspire tae onything. But, if you want that business creditably managed, see that you hae a tried an’ trustworthy man at the heid o’ affairs, an’ need I say wha that is?" Great cries o’ "No! no! We’ll sen’ ye back, Provost." "Aye, I thocht sae," I continued. "Noo, gentlemen, on Tuesday next, see that you plump for Kaye an’ Pinkerton, your tried, experienced, an’ independent candidates." (Great cheers.) Bailie Pinkerton then got up, an’, putting the virl o’ his wudden leg in a seam o’ the floor tae steady himsel’, he held on by the back o’ a form, an’ says, "I’m nae great orator, but I’m a maist infatuated worker baith on committees an’ aff them. So I wid jist conclude by saying that I entirely coincide generally wi’ the Provost, and so, withoot further preface, I beg tae second the motion." An’ wi’ a flourish o’ his pocket nepkin he sat doon. "Noo, gentlemen," says I, is there ony questions? If so, step forrit one at a time." Then. a decent auld man cam’ up an’ says, "Wid the candidates bring in a bill tae regulate the lenning o’ the washing-hoose key?" "Certainly," says I, "that’s a subject that has much need o’ reform. I wid propose that every tenant has a key, an’ then they can a’ go in when they like." (Cheers.) Bailie Pinkerton said his opinion was they should dae awa’ wi’ the key a’thegither, that mid be the simplest plan. (Cheers.) "Wid the candidate approve o’ deepening the river Bungo?" (Cries o’ "Aha! that’s a puzzler! ") "That," I replied, "is a matter that is engaging oor attention at present. Paisley is deepening the Cart. Greenock has opened new docks. Goorock is building a harbour. Common sense therefore tells us that if we want tae haud oor ain we must be up an’ doing. If I’m spared we’ll hae the Bungo deepened, if no sufficient tae admit an Anchor liner, at least tae float ony ornar vessel. What dae you say, Bailie?" Bailie Pinkerton jist got up an’ said "ditto" an’ sat doon again. "D’ye approve o’ a polis band?" "Certainly, baith a brass band an’ a baud a’ pipers, an’ I’m very much surprised that while Govan has a band o’ pipers, an’ Edinburgh has the same, that neither Glasgow nor Stra’bungo has ane." Bailie Pinkerton rose an’ said, "I quite agree wi’ the Provost, an’ wid add a flute band for the summer time." "When a man is convicted o’ selling unsound meat or fruit wid ye fine him severely?" "Bless ye, I wadna fine him at a’. (Hisses.) Wait a wee—wait a wee. Dinna be in sich a hurry. I widna fine him, I wid sen’ him tae jail for as long as I could, an’ while there feed him on his ain unsoond meat. If he thocht it mis guid enough for decent folk to eat after paying for’t, it was surely guid enough for him to get for naething." (Great cheers.) Anither then got up an’ said, "Provost, why dae ye never wear yer insignia?" "My what?" "Your insignia?" "What in a’ the warl’s that?" "Your badge a’ office—your chain." "Great criftens, wid ye hae me going aboot chained? Alloo me tee tell ye that "— Here Bailie Pinkerton got up an’ said, "I will nut staun here an’ hear oor worthy Provost insulted. What wid ye chain him for? He has nae need tae be chained. (Cheers.) He can gang aboot lowse, for tae my knowledge he’s perfectly harmless. He "— Here the questioner got up an’ said he didna mean the Provost to be chained. Cries then rose o’ "What did ye say’t for, then?" "What are ye haivering aboot?" "Pit him oot"; an’ a dizzen a’ willing hauns reached ower tae grip him; but he had freens in the meeting, an’ they stuck up for him, an in a wee the fecht wis general. Bailie, ye wid see walking-sticks an’ umberellas flourishing abin their heids, an’ ye wid hear the forms cracking, an' the yells were terrible. Oor fire brigade happened tae be oot practising, an’ somebody tell’t them the hall was on fire, so the members o’t—twa slaters an’ a jiner—cam’ tearing up an’ burst open the door, an’ while one scooted the water on us, the ither screwed oot the gas, for fear o’ an explosion. Great, I need hardly say, wis the confusion. Efter a wee, the fire brigade were brocht tae see the evil o’ their ways, an’ the committee began tae coont the cost, an’ as it wis ye may say a riot, I hae made a levy on the hale toon for the damage; in fac’, I hae added a ha’penny tae their polis tax papers. Frae what I hear, oar return is tae be noo unopposed; but, oh! my swallow-tail has got an awfu’ drookin’.