Rough Scan
THE M.P.
DEPUTATION
THE ither nicht, while Betty was
darnin’ stockin’s at the one side o’ the fire, and auld Mr M'Cunn an’
Mr Pinkerton an’ me were sittin’ at the tither side, wi’ the wee table
atween us, playin’ at the cards for a bawbee the gemm, a ring cam’ tae
the door, an’ Betty says, "Bless me, wha’s this?" "I hope,"
says I, "it’s no the minister, an’ us gemblin’ awa oor hard-earned
siller;
we wid never hear the end o’t"; an’ turnin’ tae Mr Pinkerton, "Slip
a wheen o’ thae cards intae your pouch," I says tae him, an' then
I gathered up the siller—it’s as weel aye tae look the maist valuable
elements. Jist at this meenit Betty ushered in twa weel-dressed men wi’
bits o’ pass-books in their haun. Thinks I, as they entered, "What’s
up noo? Are they selling gas burners, or the ‘Pilgrim’s Progress’ at a
shilling the pairt in fifty numbers, or am I tae be summoned? or what?"
"Sit doon, gentlemen," I says,
"sit doon. Alloo me tae put your hats on the dresser! A freen o’
mine—Mr M'Cunn," an’ I waved my haun gracefully o’er Mr M’Cunn’s
bald heid as an introduction, "an this gentleman wi’ the wudden leg
is anither freen—Mr Pinkerton."
The principal stranger nodded, an’ says,
"Mr Kaye, I believe?"
"At your service," I replied.
"We called, Mr Kaye, with reference
to the vacancy in the representation of Renfrewshire."
"Oh, aye," I says, "for
my vote, nae doot."
"Not at all, Mr K aye, we want you
to become a candidate."
A wha—at!"
"A candidate, Mr Kaye. You are aware
that hitherto this thriving village of Strathbungo has had little or no
say in electing a member, and we want to remedy that. Our last member
hailed from Neilston, the one before from Renfrew, and another from Inverkip:
all very worthy men, as you know, but totally unacquainted with the wants
and wishes of Strathbungo."
"Very awkward," I put in at
this point.
"Very awkward, indeed," he rejoined;
"why, would you believe it, when anybody belonging to Strathbungo
applied for their help to get into the Customs or Excise, or such like,
they had no definite idea where Strathbungo was. One, indeed, remarked,
‘Strathbungo, it’s in Lanarkshire;‘ and another stroked his chin and said,
‘Let me see. Strathbungo! Strathbungo! Isn’t that away by Kirkcaldy?’
Now, we want to remedy this, and get a Strathbungo man in. Time about
is fair play."
"Weel, weel," I says, "I
doot it’s a’ true what ye say; but megsty me!—let me see—M.P.—man, it’s
jist raither much—I’m no equal tae’t either in purse, speech, or position!
Dod, I don’t know but what I micht be as guid’s plenty that’s in already,
though. Gentlemen, I must alloo ye have surprised me—ta’en me ower quick.
I wis thinkin’ o’ puttin’ in for a Justice-ship. That wid be jist in my
line, ye see; for if a fire broke oot I could rin wi’ the reel, or if
a water pipe burst I could superintend the plumbers, besides being aye
on the spot tae see nae breach o’ the peace took place; but M.P. wid tak’
me awa’ frae my business, an’ the laddie wid ruin me wi’ the guid wecht
he wid gi’e. Man, I doot it’s no practicable. Let me think a wee, tho’.
Indeed, gentlemen, jist sit doon an’ tak’ a bit thimblefu’ till I cast
it ower in my mind."
So I turned my back tae them, an’ fixin’
my e’e on the broken haun o’ the echt-day clock, I thocht—"Sir James
Kaye, M.P. for Stra’bungo!" an’ then I could hae on my accounts,
"Bought of Sir James Kaye, M.P., 2 hunerwecht o’ best Wishaw at 8d."
Dod, I could put anither penny on the hunerwecht easy. An’ when I wis
comin’ hame for the vacation, an’ gaun oot on the tap o’ the car, the
crood that wid gaither tae meet me! an’ the hurrahing! An’ then it wid
be in the papers, "The Honourable Sir James Kaye, M.P., took a drive
tae the Shaws yesterday!" "The right honourable gentleman, we
regret tae say, sprained his thoom on Monday, while superintending in
his extensive premises, an’ we understand Her Majesty has desired tae
be informed by telegraph if ony change takes place." "We grieve
tae inform oor numerous readers that the Right Honourable Lady James Kaye,
M.P., has the influenza, but the latest bulletins are favourable. Her
honourable husband, oor much respected and universally beloved M.P., is
in constant attendance." "Losh, a Justice wid be naething tae’t.
I’ll"—but here an awfu’ stramash took place, an’ when I turned roon
there wis Mr M’Cunn an’ Mr Pinkerton, an’ the twa strangers, an’ the table
an’ glesses, a’ in a humpluck on the floor, an’ them tearin’ each ither
like mad, while Betty wis up on the dresser flourishin’ the darnin’ needle.
I wis perfectly dumfoundered, but having kent Mr M’Cunn an' Mr Pinkerton
for mony years, I thocht they couldna be tae blame, whatever the strangers
micht be, so I got a jugfu’ o’ water, an’ poured the hauf o’t doon the
neck o’ the tane, an’ the balance doon the neck a’ the tither, an’ that
sobered them a wee, an' then ane by ane they a’ got up gey
disjaskitlike;
Mr M’Cunn wi’ a clour on his nose, an’ Mr Pinkerton wi’ ane a’ his coat
tails torn awa’, an’ the virl aff his wudden leg; as for the strangers,
they were mair drooned than hurt.
As they rose tae their feet, I says, sternly—
"What dis a’ this mean, gentlemen!
a’ this rippit in a Member a’ Parliament’s hoose? Ay, answer me!"
Then Mr M’Cunn explained that he had noticed ane o’ the deputation reaching
ower his haun tae lift my watch that wis on the mantelpiece, an’ on his
interfering, the ither yin struck in, an’ so the stramash began. I turned
roon at this tae grip the twa fellows, but they made a bringe oot o’ the
door, an’ I after them, an’ I daursay I micht hae grippit at least ane
o' them, but as Mr Pinkerton had his wudden leg stickin’ oot tryin’ tae
screw on the virl, I trippit across’t, an gaed heids ower heels oot on
the stair-heid. I could dae naething, therefore, but gather mysel’ up
an’ come in again, so after puttin’ vinegar on Mr M’Cunn’s nose, and screwin’
on Mr Pinkerton’s virl, we drew intae the fire, an each mixing a gless
a’ toddy, condoled wi’ ane anither on the wickedness o’ the worl’, an’
hoo we had been fairly humbugged by twa scoonrels.