THE POLICE BAND “WHAT’S your opinion o’ this new polis band, Mr Kaye?” says Mr Pettigrew tae me the ither nicht. “Man, I think it’s ane o’ the best things I’ve heard o’ for a lang while,” I says. “There’s a heep o’ folk think it’s rale nonsense, and that polismen wid be better attending tae their ain proper wark than learning tae play base fiddles and the like o’ that,” says Mr Pettigrew. “I’m aware o’ that,” I says, “but ye’ll aye get some folk that wid object tae onything, nae matter hoo guid it was. It’s faur easier tae rin doon a thing than tae praise it up; but this, tae my judgment, will be a rale blessing tae the community. If I understaun’ the question richt, every polisman is tae hae a musical instrument—bagpipes 'll naturally be maist common—and as he marches up and doon he’s tae be playing awa’ tae amuse the folk on his beat. There’ll be brass trumpets in the noisy streets, and fiddles awa’ in the quiet corners o’ the suburbs, wi’ maybe a concerteena in the like o’ Egleton Street; and every Saturday afternoon the hale force is tae march thro’ the toon tae show what can be done by the collected band. Man, I think it’s capital, for if ye’re jaded oot wi’ wark in your office or your shop, a’ ye’ve got tae dae is tae gang tae the door and let the sweet balmy sounds o’ the bagpipe or the trombone be wafted in to soothe your tired frame. I don’ know whether the nicht polismen are tae play or no, but I suppose they are — they’ll dine instead o’ the ‘waits‘ — and then when ye’re in your bed, and lying awake thro' maybe makin’ a bad debt or haeing the toothache, it’ll quite put new life intae ye as ye hear, soon'in' roon the corner, ‘When Johnnie comes marching home’ played on the cornopean; an’ ye’ll can get up, and drawing yer nichtcap on, sit doon at the window and maybe even hum awa’ at the tune tae yersel’ — keeping time as it were. It’ll be in new era in oor dull Glasca life a'thegither. Indeed, I wid even go the length o’ saying that they oucht tae put on a fardin’ in the pound o’ a tax tae keep the ban’ up in the highest state o’ efficiency.” “Man, I never looked at it in that licht before,” says Mr Pettigrew. “I think, noo that ye’ve explained it, it'll be a capital thing.” So ye see, BAILIE, I’ve gotten Captain M’Call one supporter at any rate.