Rough Scan
AT A SCHOOL TRIP
As long as I
hae a breath in my body, BAILIE, I’ll never let oor guid auld Scotch
customs die oot. They may talk
their Christmasses and their Good Fridays, their Shrove Tuesdays and
their Pancake Wen’sdays, but it ‘ill no be Jeems Kaye that ‘ill conform
tae ony o’ them.
Last Saturday
I got oor Sunday skule tae go for kruds-an’-cream. Some o’ the ither elders said it wisna genteel noo-a-days tae tak’
kruds-an’-cream. Hooever, I
replies— ”Efter I'm awa’ ye can dae as ye like, but as lang as I’m here
I’ll be a thorn in yer flesh wi’ yer spurious gentility.”
Weel, at 3 o’clock
we assembled in front o’ the coal ree.
We had got the len’ o’ hauf-a-dizzen carts frae different folk,
the bairns were a’ packed in them.
The minister and me, and the rest o’ the elders, were in the
first cart, sitting in the strae wi’ oor backs up against the side,
and oor heids looking ower jist like a lot o’ turtle doves in a nest.
We vera comfortable, the only thing that bothered us being Mr
Pinkerton’s wudden leg. As it
couldna bend to suit altered circumstances, it wis aye scroogin’ awa’
at the sma’ o’ oor backs, till we made him unscrew it a’thegither and
haund it up tae the carter, wha, efter examining the virl for a while,
began tae thrash the horse wi’t, till I interposed and took it frae
him. In the cart behin’ us wis
a banner inscribed
“Lemonade,
man’s greatest friend.”
When the minister
looked at this he winked ower tae me, and I winked in return and pointed
tae my inside coat pocket; an’ if ye had jist seen the smile o’ contentment
that cam ower the faces as the ithens saw that I had had the foresicht
tae come provided. “Aye, gentlemen,”
says I, "there’s an awfu’ lot o’ dooble-dealing noo-a-days; everybody,
frae the magistrate doon tae the street orator, wants tae mak’ everybody
teetotal but themsel’s. After
they mix their stiff gless o’ toddy at the fireside they tak’ a sup
o’t, and as it warms their hert they turn up their eyes an’ murmur,
'We must shut the public-hooses; the puir working folk hae nae business
tae indulge in luxuries like this; this is only for the like o’ us comfortable
gentry.’”
The rest o’
the carts had banners sich as—
“Divided
we stand, united we fall,”
“A
fair day’s work for a fair day’s wage,'
and sae on.
We tell’t stories, gied guesses, and played at “nievie,
nievie-nick-nack,”
and the time passed won’erfully. But the longest lane has a turning, and at
last we turned doon the road leading tae the farm, and as we got oot
and shook the strae aff oorsels I says— ”Noo, gentlemen, if it’s a’
the same tae you, we’ll hae nae lang speeches aboot oxygen, or hydrogen,
or electricity, but jist let the weans awa’ tae play themselves at ‘kee
hoy,’ or ‘spy,’ or the ‘peever,’ or whatever they like, and we’ll walk
roon wi’ the farmer and study natural history, and examine the champion
mangoldwurzel, and a’ the new patent fanners, and sich like.”
Efter a while
we got the weans intae the stackyaird tae hae their kruds, and they
a’ sat roon, and every ane got a bowl, and servant lassies wi’ short
goons and smiling faces helped them, and a’ wis festivity.
The minister,
and me, and Mr Pinkerton got up on chairs on the tap o’ a hen hoose
tae keep order, and the weans sent up a deputation tae us tee say “they
wanted Mr Kaye tae mak’ a speech, as it wisna often he spoke”; so as
I had finished my kruds, I got up, and, steadying mysel’ in amang the
branches o’ a peer tree, I began—
“Noo, bairns,
my address‘ll be brief but tae the point.
Tae be able tae say ye’re a Scotchman is the happiest thing on
earth. Of course we’ve tae pay
for oor advantages; we’ve tae learn the Shorter Catechism and the Paraphrases,
etcetra. Some folk no-a-days
try tae throw discredit on the Scotch; they say that nearly a’ the sodgers
in the 42nd are Irishmen — aye, nae wunner ye laugh — but that’s jist
jealousy. If we werena sich a great nation they widna
try tae rin us doon sae much. Thae
English are vera ignorant, particularly on Bible subjects. I’m sure there’s no a wean here but can repeat
the 23rd Psalm, metre version — I never kent a Scotch bairn yet that
couldna say’t aff by heart, and hope I never will. Noo, oor minister wis telling me that he wis examining a skule up
in England, and he asked a laddie tae tell the parable o’ the good Samaritan,
and so up the bairn gets and says ‘A certain man was going down from
Jerusalem to Jericho, and he fell among thorns, and thorns sprang up
and choked him, and he said to the host, here’s tuppence, put him on
his own ass, and he passed by on the ither side.’
Anither was asked tae tell the story o’ Abraham, and he said,
‘Abraham had two wives, Hager and Ishmael — he kept one at home, and
he sent the other into the wilderness, where she became a pillar of
salt by day, and a pillar of fire by night.’ Noo wisna that awfu’ ignorance?”
Bit jist at
this Mr Pinkerton grippit me by the arm, and says, wi’ a groan, “Oh,
Mr Kaye, my leg’s through the jeists."
"Michty
me,” says I, “is that leg o’ yours kicking up a rumpus again? It’s nae suner oot o’ wan habble then it’s
intae anither. When folk invite
ye oot here can ye no hae mair respect for their property than begin
end destroy’t? That's the way
ye spile folk for asking us back again.
Here, some o’ you bigger anes, come ower and shove up.
So I held on tae the peer tree wi’ one haun and pulled him wi’
the ither, an’ the minister, grippin’ a rhone, drew awa’ by his ither
haun. Bit this wis only the beginnin’ o’ the
habble.
Some o’ the boys, gettin’ intae the hen hoose tae help, frichtit
the life oot o’ a wheen auld hens and chickens and ganders, and when
they ran cackling thro’ the crood the weans began tae throw their bonnets
at them. Then the collies thocht
they were tae keep the hens oot the corn, and they set tae chasing them;
and the farmer’s wife cam’ oot wi’ the spurtle, and she efter the dogs. By-an’-by twa-three young calves joined in,
wi’ their tails in the air, and tummled ower some o' the younger weans,
wha began tae greet; and then they upset some bee skeps, and that didna
improve matters; and sich an uproar, if ye had jist seen it, BAILIE! Weans, dogs, calves, hens, and chickens, a’
fleeing roon the stackyard, oot at one gate and in at the ither, while
the bees were tickling them a’ up indiscriminately.
My word, but the bees had the best o’t.
“Gentlemen,”
at last I cries, “put on your hats!
This is the coup detat,
as the Frenchmen say. Ostler,
yoke the horses; the harmony is over; the suner we’re hame the better. I ken’t something wid happen.”
We saw the farmer’s
wife hirpling awa’ intae the hoose between twa teachers, and the farmer
cam’ ower tae us wi’ his face like a nor’west mune; and, says he, shaking
his nieve in oor faces, “If ever you or your blamed Sunday skule come
oot here again, I’ll let louse the bull on ye.”
As nane o’ the
rest could speak, I lays my han’ on my hert and says, “Apologies are
superfluous. I’ll say
naething,
but the first time your cart’s passing my door, I’ll be vera glad to
put in twa hunnerwecht o’ the vera best, as my contribution tae the
damage dune; and I think Mr Pinkerton couldna offer ye less than a hale
smoked ham or a Dunlop cheese, for it wis him that began the hale affair.”
Mr Pinkerton,
hooever, didna hear me; so we a’ got into the carts again, and wended
oor way hame in the dank. Some
o’ the weans had sprained thooms, and some had lost their bonnets; twa
or three had their noses bled; and as the minister said, “Great wis
the lamentation.”
In our cart
we somehoo were mair crooded than we were going out, and every noo and
again in the dark ye wid hear, “Wha’s aught that knee?”
“Keep that elbow oot o’ my ribs”;
“Sit ower a wee, man”; but we got hame at last.
BAILIE, I’ve
hardly had time tae gather mysel’ thegither yet, so I must say “adieu.”